Thursday, May 31, 2012

My heart is like a liver

My heart is NOT like a liver, but I wish it was because then it could regenerate when it gets too knicked up.  I used to really enjoy summer and I used to really enjoy Facebook.  I used to really enjoy baseball but all those things are sort of killing me right now.  Here's why:

It is the end of the school year and along with all the claptrapping going on about where is the little boy I carried, how can they be leaving preschool/kindergarten/high school/grad school/whatever the hell, some of my friends who have kids Anthony's age are putting up pictures of their kids and saying "last day of First Grade!" and "onto Second Grade!" and there are these adorable SEVEN year old kids, who played with Anthony when he was a baby, and they are so big and cute and smart looking, and NORMAL and I think, he will never have a first day of Kindergarten.  He will never be promoted from first grade to second grade.  And it kills me, a little, it takes one chip out of my heart at a time.

Mike and I were at the baseball game last week, a day game, and there were so many dads there with their sons, they all seemed to be Anthony's age.  I guess maybe seven is an age where you are interested enough in baseball that you go, but maybe you're not old enough that you'd be there with a bunch of friends.  It seemed like everywhere I looked, there was a Dad with his son and I was crying behind my sunglasses, thinking we'll never do that.  Anthony will never do that, at least not this summer.  And Mike really likes baseball and he is such a good dad that he would take Anthony to games, I know it.  Instead we are talking about trying to go to a game this summer, and planning how we'll sit out in the lawn and we'll each be assigned one kid to chase after and I'm just guessing but we'll probably leave early.

I know it won't always be like this.  I know that people with typical kids have their own problems.  I know that Anthony is right where he should be and so are we, but sometimes, it's hard to take and I worry that there will be too many chips out of my heart and ... ugh.  I hate summer, Facebook and baseball, is what I'm saying.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Catching up

Anthony's been busy - he got his orthotics, broke his orthotics, and got them back again.  We've started toilet training - not exactly back at the beginning, but we've gone back a few steps.  He has had some successes, and some accidents.  His program manager emailed me yesterday, though, and said that in the morning in between bathroom visits, he took his therapist's hand and pulled her to the bathroom, where he peed mightily.  Ha, I wanted to say he emptied his bladder but it sounds so scientific, but peed mightily sounds crazy too!  Anyways, that's a very good sign and gives me hope that some day it might all work.  We have been having the hardest time on Thursdays.  He goes to swimming and he likes it so much, but he drinks a lot of pool water during his 45 minutes lesson and then he almost always has an accident on the way home and last night, he not only had an accident on the way home but he peed again before we got him up to the bath, sheesh.  So we are working on it but I am hopeful.  I am determined for him to be toilet trained, I know he can do it.  It just might take a year, is all.  

He has these new orthotics and that is taking some getting used to.  He is supposed to break them in gradually, and wear them for a few hours in the morning and in the afternoon, but the first afternoon he broke the velcro on them.  They fixed it this week but man, he doesn't seem to like them.  We bought him some new shoes, that are his size but extra wide and they seem to be working well.  He got home yesterday from school and was FREAKING out about them, crying and dragging Mike's hand down to them until he took them off.  SO.  That stinks, right?  It will get better, I'm sure.  I'm sure his muscles are sore and hopefully that will get better, too.

Mike and I went to Pittsburgh this week for a few days.  We left Tuesday morning after taking everyone to school.  We went to a Mets v. Pirates game that night, ate at Jerome Bettis' restaurant, which was good.  We shared pierogies for an appetizer and I had a grilled chicken sandwich and Mike had a burger.  We went to a place called Finnegan's Wake after for a few beers but it was really empty once the game was over.  Pittsburgh is weird like that, that city shuts down earlier than any city I know!  It's like the opposite of the city that never sleeps.  Wednesday we had breakfast in the hotel, which featured BREAKFAST pierogies, which were amazingly delicious.  We went to the Warhol Museum, which was super interesting, and then we went to have drinks before the ballgame, which was at 12:30.  It was packed at the ballpark, lots of kids' groups, but it was a beautiful day and we had good seats and the Mets won again, so that was good.  We had a nap after the game and then went to Station Square, a cute area of town just a few stops on the train away.  We went to a Houlihan's that had the craziest happy hour - everything was half price!  Everything!  So we had some apps and some drinks and then we went on the incline up on Mt. Washington and we walked around up there for a while.  Then we went back and got some room service, a fruit and cheeseboard and some *bananas foster pierogies*, which were amazing.  We went to sleep before 10 and I woke straight up at 5:00, because apparently I can't sleep more than seven hours in a row anymore, but it was fine, I went and exercised before we had breakfast (more of those damned pierogies) and we came home.  It was great to see the kids, my parents stayed with them and everyone was really good.  Anthony was as sweet as ever when he got home and then he had swimming last night, which always makes him happy.

I'm sorry for the travelogue, but where else can I say it?  As it is, it is taking me nine years to type this.  Mike is home today and the baby is sleeping but Maria and Veronica are so up in my grill I can barely breathe.  I'd think maybe it's because we went away but they are alway like this.  I'm sure some day I'll miss it and blah blah blah but right now it's annoying.

Which brings me to my next point.  I said the other day on Twitter that I found motherhood on the internet to be like this:  I do it this way and you should too.  I am obsessed with _____, therefore I am an expert on ______.  I am better than you.  I think that's how some people on the internet can be and we are always talking about it, were people always this smug and the internet just gives them a chance to really smug it up?  Or does the internet make people seem smug, or make them actually BE smug?  I really don't know.  A friend of mine was saying she sees it entirely differently, she thinks that's what experts are, people who are obsessed with things.  She thinks if you read the blog of a mommy, a mommyblog, if you will, you are there to learn from the person who's writing the blog.  I don't know.  I disagree, HEARTILY.  After all, I am a mother, and I have a blog or four, but I don't expect anyone to do what I say.  I am not an expert on autism, or children, or even having four children, or being married to an attorney.  I am only an expert on Anthony, Maria, Veronica, Felicity, and Mike and actually I'm not even that good at Felicity yet!  I am completely thrown by all her ear infections and her need to have formula and her bubble palette or whatever the hell.  But it would make me SO MAD if someone assumes because THEIR baby had ear infections or their baby couldn't nurse, that they can boss me around.  OR if I, say, said that Felicity couldn't nurse and I tried but I couldn't make it work and then some person said that I was WRONG about that, I have to be honest, I'd try to hunt down that person so I could feel the satisfaction of smacking their stupid face.   I think being a mother in particular is so personal and I think everyone that is a mother is trying as hard as they can to do the best they can.  I think about Anthony and how Mike and I are always trying to figure out what's best for him, I have spent hours and hours thinking about it and planning for it and I STILL barely know what I'm doing with him.  It would never occur to me that because I've become an expert (of sorts) on Anthony that I am an expert on someone else's child.  Anyway, it drives me bonkers and I swear I want to quit the whole internet sometimes.

Anyways.  That's what's going on with Anthony and his parents.  :)

Tuesday, May 01, 2012


I had a thought last night and I wanted to share it.  We had a long day yesterday, a long dinnertime and bath time.  I took the baby up at like 6:00 and I was STILL up with her at 8:00 and that's a long time to spend with some BABY hitting you in the face and fussing and NOT SLEEPING, especially if you've been with her all ding dang day.  Anyways.  We were tired and we were planning on having taylor ham, egg and cheese sandwiches but we had no eggs so we moved it to tonight and Mike went and got Qdoba while I put the baby to bed.  FINALLY, we were eating and Anthony started crying, really crying, and Mike went up with some pretzels but he was still crying and I felt drawn up the stairs to go to him, so I did.

I went in and I started rubbing his feet and his arches are, of course, incredibly high like mine but they seem even higher because he has stretched his feet out so much.  I was rubbing his feet and looking at his feet because it seemed like maybe his foot was cramping up - like you know how sometimes you can see a charlie horse in your leg, the muscle?  I was looking at his foot for that and I noticed that the bottom of my thumb and palm fit EXACTLY in the arch of his foot.  You know how your hand is as big as your face and your foot fits in your forearm?  It was like that, my hand fits exactly in the right spot on his foot to rub it.  It was an amazing moment, it always is when he finally stops crying, but when I saw how my hand fit right there, I thought I am right where I should be.  I am right where I am supposed to be.