When will I ever learn to never say or think anything positive with regard to Anthony? WHEN, LORD, WHEN?
Babbling away this week with his morning therapist about how LONG it's been since he's had any tantrums, and OH IT WAS SO HARD, back when he had tantrums, and WASN'T that awful but now he's doing SO WELL. I mean, what am I thinking?
On Wednesday, Pam was here and I was saying to her, oh, he's so tired, he's so PALE! He is so TIRED! Then on Thursday, he did POOP in the TOILET but he was so tired, he was literally lying down every chance he had. I'm so dumb! I was all, WOW, he is TIRED! HE'S SO TIRED, what could it be?
Of course on Friday they called from his school and said that he had a fever of 101.8 and had been sleeping. So I went and got him and he was just pathetic, red cheeks, fever, lying down. He slept most of the afternoon, I rubbed lotion on his feet and legs, which he seemed to like. He was so sad and fevery and ... sad. Of course he went to bed early and of COURSE he was up this morning at 4:30 and WAS HE MAD. He was better but I guess not great and - oh, he just cried ALL DAY. He is still crying now and it's almost 8:00! I took the girls to a birthday party, which was just great - it's hard on them to hear it all day, too.
I was telling someone today, when Anthony is like this all day, it's so contentious, it feels so ... BAD in here, I feel like I'm in an argument with someone. I'll catch myself thinking, that damned MIKE, how dare he do ... hey... I'm not mad at Mike! I'm not MAD at anyone! So WHY do I feel like this? It's because it is very hard to feel so bad and listen to so much crying and yelling and screaming and just know that there is no reason for it. I feel so bad, bad for him and bad for us and the girls and especially for this baby. Because on days like this I think, oh no. There is no way I can do this. There is no way I can take care of all this and a baby too.
So I just hope he gets better and I hope that this behavior is a result of his fever and not my DARING to talk about our lives as if they are getting better. Fingers crossed !