R is for Regression, I guess. It's hard to say if Anthony is regressing because maybe it's regression and maybe things just suck right now. He is definitely having a regression with toilet training. Yesterday he was outside several times and just - went in his pants, not to put too fine a point on it. Maybe it's because he is just having a high old time outside and doesn't want to come in, maybe he thinks the heck with it, I have been indoors for six straight months, I'm not going in now! But if that's what is happening, it's still a regression of sorts because in the past, I think he would know to come in.
He is also having tantrums like he used to, meltdowns, whatever we want to call them, and he is grabbing the heck out of us. Mike says, and I agree, that we have to just think about what's happening right now and not get weighed down with the future. If he gets bigger and still grabs me like this, I think, he could really hurt me! But Mike says there is no point in thinking about the future because maybe he'll stop doing it, and he is right.
My cousin Agnes posted this great thing on Facebook the other day. Here it is:
In essay titled "The trick of Life" -NY Times 4/6, Akhil Sharma wrote while going thru a breakdown: "I began to pray for the people passing by. I prayed for the nanny pushing a stroller. I prayed for the young woman jogging by in spandex....I prayed that each of them got the same things I wanted for myself: that they have good health, peace of mind, financial security. By focusing on others and their needs, my own problems seemed less unique and somehow, less pressing..."
I thought it was just brilliant, it really spoke to me, and I told her that. I am always praying for myself, nearly constantly, in the middle of all my breakdowns, and maybe that's not the way to do it! Now as I lay on the floor, where I've dropped so that Anthony doesn't tear my shirt as he pulls me, I don't pray for myself, like I normally would. Normally, I'd say please get me out of this hellhole or something, ha! Right now, Felicity is screaming and yelling at me, for example, because she does or does not want me to put a backpack on her shoulders, and instead of feeling sorry for myself and praying for myself, I am praying that she will stop being such a jerk, ha!
Seriously, I am just filling my time formerly spent praying for myself and praying for Anthony. Praying for the people around us, who might want to give us a dirty look in church or even just stare too long. I'm praying for the parents who are so hell bent on finding out WHY their kid got autism that they get an answer, or that they give up and just focus on making their lives better. I pray for Mike and for the other kids. It really does make me feel more a part of the world, less lonely. Anyway, it turns out it was foolhardy for me to think that I could ever sit for two seconds of my life and do something but Anthony is having a regression and that starts with R and now I am finished with R the end.