Thursday, May 31, 2012

My heart is like a liver

My heart is NOT like a liver, but I wish it was because then it could regenerate when it gets too knicked up.  I used to really enjoy summer and I used to really enjoy Facebook.  I used to really enjoy baseball but all those things are sort of killing me right now.  Here's why:

It is the end of the school year and along with all the claptrapping going on about where is the little boy I carried, how can they be leaving preschool/kindergarten/high school/grad school/whatever the hell, some of my friends who have kids Anthony's age are putting up pictures of their kids and saying "last day of First Grade!" and "onto Second Grade!" and there are these adorable SEVEN year old kids, who played with Anthony when he was a baby, and they are so big and cute and smart looking, and NORMAL and I think, he will never have a first day of Kindergarten.  He will never be promoted from first grade to second grade.  And it kills me, a little, it takes one chip out of my heart at a time.

Mike and I were at the baseball game last week, a day game, and there were so many dads there with their sons, they all seemed to be Anthony's age.  I guess maybe seven is an age where you are interested enough in baseball that you go, but maybe you're not old enough that you'd be there with a bunch of friends.  It seemed like everywhere I looked, there was a Dad with his son and I was crying behind my sunglasses, thinking we'll never do that.  Anthony will never do that, at least not this summer.  And Mike really likes baseball and he is such a good dad that he would take Anthony to games, I know it.  Instead we are talking about trying to go to a game this summer, and planning how we'll sit out in the lawn and we'll each be assigned one kid to chase after and I'm just guessing but we'll probably leave early.

I know it won't always be like this.  I know that people with typical kids have their own problems.  I know that Anthony is right where he should be and so are we, but sometimes, it's hard to take and I worry that there will be too many chips out of my heart and ... ugh.  I hate summer, Facebook and baseball, is what I'm saying.


Doing My Best said...

(hugs) That is hard =(!!

Abby said...

uuugggh. i looove your posts. i can imagine that the grieving what can't be is the most difficult part of having a child with autism. but- it does seem like there is nothing more important to learn than to love someone with out expectation or condition. we could all stand to learn about that from you. with out being forced to face that head on- i don't think we know how.

Anonymous said...

never say never've taught me that :) i also love your posts, and love you! i always have tears and smiles...God Bless you all.