Wednesday

He's been upstairs for two minutes and he's crying already.  Maybe he's mad that he had to go to bed?  Sometimes I have to put him to bed because I can't take him messing with stuff anymore.  Lately he has been really into our large spoons.  He takes them out of the drawer, plays with them a little, and then drops them wherever he is.  It's crazy making!  He's been having good days at school, he has a new therapist and it seems to be going well.  I never know who at his school reads this blog so I just pretend nobody does and it keeps me relatively honest.  That said, I like her too.  She's lived and worked in NYC, which I of course like.  :)

I am worried that he needs more OT, we are working on a plan and I hope it comes together.  I know his sensory issues are responsible for so much of his ... other issues, I am trying to make something work.  I am going to get him a swing, I should just order it tonight.  I have a cold and have for the last ... several months, it feels like, so I am dragging.  I can't ever do anything on the computer, or at a desk, while the girls are up and today when they were napping I exercised, so I feel like I've accomplished nothing.

He is crying and crying.  I guess I'll go up soon.  I hate to hear him cry, especially right after he goes up!  Tonight he said "good night" and "I you" when I prompted him, maybe he's mad about that.  Maybe he takes it back?

I was reading some of Temple Grandin's book and in it, she says how if there were a way she could flip a switch and not have autism anymore, she wouldn't do it.  When I read that, I thought, that's why I have such a problem with the talk about magic pills and how we'd take away our kids' autism if we could.  It's not mine to take away, I figure.  It's Anthony's, and when I talk about what I would do or not do for him with regard to taking his autism away, I'm focusing more on me than on him and I don't think that helps him or me.  BUT I wish I could take all of his pain away, all of his frustration and anger and tears.  But doesn't that just make me a mother?  Doesn't everyone wish that they could take away their children's pain and fears?  We can't, though.  I can't take away Maria's pain that she gets when I don't let her do whatever she wants.  I have to teach her how to get through life, even a life in which she can't make everyone bend to her will.  It's the exact same with Anthony, only more ... intense.

I am going to go see if maybe he is hungry.  How I wish these fools would eat at dinnertime and not leave all their pecking for right before bed, after we've brushed their teeth.