Toe Walking

Ugh, Anthony's OT emailed me today to say how tight his calves are from toe walking and how we should get him back into sneakers and if that doesn't work we'll have to add orthotics and if THAT doesn't work, we'll have to think about braces.  I wish this child could catch a break - today is four weeks since we started toilet training and we're moving right into braces.  

I have really enjoyed this summer while Anthony has been wearing Crocs.  We were having such a hard time with him keeping his shoes on, he would always take them off on the way to school and then usually stuff his socks in his mouth.  Once we got him the Crocs, of course he still took them off but he could be responsible for putting them back on, which seemed like a good thing.  He also looked like such a normal little kid to me in those Crocs.  I KNOW I shouldn't wish that he was normal and I don't - I wish he was just like he is, he is perfect to me.  It just slaps me in the face every time someone takes something away from us, even if it's for his own good.  

This Week

Anthony was sick on Monday but it was short-lived. I knew it would be because both girls had it too, but just for like 12 hours, so strange.

This toilet training is going to kill me. It's just like with Maria but more. Such high highs! Such low lows! Poop is gross! Same. But Maria never PEED on me. I'm just saying.

When I am really low about it, I cry and cry and think I can't do it, I just can't, I can't make it work, there's no way. But then I gather myself together and remind myself of how well he's doing. How he's been accident-free several days at school, MOST days even. How he's pooped in the potty at school several times. How, if you catch him peeing and say STOP!, he'll stop. How new this all is to him. I remind myself of all that, and I do some laundry, and then I feel better. We are working on a strategy at school to make sure that he is successful here at home, too, DESPITE a certain SISTER (pictured) trying to SCREW EVERYTHING up. Ha, I'm kidding, but she's a pain.

So. He's doing fine, sleeping (redacted), behaviors are at a minimum, he seems happy and today - today! - he was chosen as LINE LEADER at school because he was sitting so well and being so good. Anthony! Line Leader! I don't really know what it means but it sounds good, right? RESPONSIBLE?

Where Did My Baby Go?

Ha!  Just kidding.  Stimey posted that I specifically DIDN'T say that when I posted about Anthony losing his tooth and it's true, I do not feel that way.  I feel much more that it's disgusting than I am wondering where my baby went.  My baby is still there, he's still in there.  Sometimes, I am so lucky, because I get to rock him like a baby.  I get to pick him up and carry him.  I get to comfort him when he is crying and he doesn't know why.  I am very lucky.  Which I try and remember on days like today, when Anthony wakes up at 4:30 and hoots and hollers so much that he is difficult to be with.  He was hooting away in the van today after I picked him up at school and Maria said "Anthony.  Veevsy and me are trying to watch a MOVIE and we CAN'T HEAR!".  Ha.  He cares not, I told her, but I did tell him to shoosh.

He did lose his tooth!  I would take a picture but he is all wound up and I tried to take like TWENTY before and he wouldn't stop moving his head so everything was blurry.  I'll get it some time.  His therapist brought out his tooth in a bag!  Pam (his morning therapist) wrote a note that she just reached in and pulled it out, yikes!  She said he was very brave and indeed, it does not seem to be bothering him.  He also pooped on the potty at school again today.  He has yet to thrill us with this trick, but I know it's coming.  I'm so happy and proud of him with the toilet training I can't stand it.  I can't stop talking about it.  It might be the biggest thing we've ever done for him.  Not that we're done but still.  The starting was it for us, it's such a thrill.

I do get scared that he is getting so big, but I guess I am more scared that he is going to get bigger than me and kick my ass some day.  I hope that we can get it together, tantrum wise, before he gets big and could hurt himself or others.  It does make me sad when I see that other kids from his playgroup are starting Kindergarten this year, some are in First Grade.  But - we're just not - we're not the same as other kids, and that's fine, really.  I worry about the future, but not actively.  I have to take this all one day at a time or I'll go crazy and who needs that.  Plus, I have to say, I think people are FULL OF IT when they go on and on about how much they'll MISS THEIR KIDS and SUNRISE, SUNSET, blah blah blah.  They are supposed to get bigger, they are supposed to grow up, they are human beings.  Period, the end, as I tell Maria 100 times a day.

Ugh, I read about this study today.  I have mixed reactions about it.  I don't know why Anthony has autism and no one else does, no one in my family or Mike's.  My second cousin's son is on the spectrum, but that seems kind of far removed, right?  Maria is obviously not on the spectrum and although I think Veevsy Voo has some sensory issues, she clearly doesn't have autism, so ... I don't know!  I don't know if this baby will have autism, but I don't know anything else about him or her either, so I guess I am just willing to find out.  I read this article today, about the study and it unnerved me.  First of all, I am nervous about anecdotal evidence with regard to autism.  The author (who is a blogger that I really enjoy) says that she knows lots of families with more than one child with autism, but I know mostly families with only one child with autism.  I have three kids and only one has autism.  So ... that proves nothing.  I am much more comfortable with scientific studies, but I am UNcomfortable with science to the degree that it affects me, or affects how many children I have.  If I listened to Science, I suppose, I would have only Anthony, since I was over 35 when I had him and I'm not supposed to have any more kids, right?  Because I'm elderly?  And more bad things could happen?  The American College of OB/GYNs says that it's much more dangerous for a woman my age to have kids, but nothing has happened so far.  I don't really care what they say anyway, because they are the same geniuses that put Autism and Mental Retardation on the same level on their stupid form that you have to fill out just to get treated by an OB/GYN.  They are testing for every freaking thing that your kid could possibly have before 14 weeks now, so that you can have the INFORMATION that you NEED to decide whether or not you keep the child.  How stupid, how UNscientific, in my opinion, that is.  How can you have all that information when you haven't even held that baby?  When that baby hasn't even been born yet?  So anyways, before I really get going, I don't necessarily believe or not believe that study.  I feel old and tired, so I hope that this baby doesn't have autism because it takes a lot of energy to just work with the one child with autism that we have, but it will not be the end of the world if this new baby ends up having autism.  No matter what the deal is with the new baby, we will feel like it's the BEGINNING of everything, because it will be.

Ugh.  Blather.  Anyways, 1 lost tooth, 2 times pooping on the potty, AND he is going to a Climb Time place this week.  Does it get any better?

Tooth

Anthony is losing his first tooth! It is disgusting. I'll write more later but I just want to record it.

Beautiful Boy

This picture is a few weeks old, Mike took it one day while they were out in the driveway. My phone is broken and I have to take it in to get fixed, so I moved all the pictures off of it, including this one. I love his hair so much, I was thinking about cutting it the other day and I just can't do it. I don't know what we'll do - we can't keep growing it and growing it but I don't know if I want to buzz cut it, either. Those are our only options right now, so I guess I wil just put it out of my mind and we'll figure out something else later. Maybe something will come to me in a dream. I just cut off all my hair, so maybe that's enough.

He had a good week, toilet training wise, but a bad week, tantrum wise. I suppose it is always going to be something. He didn't have to do any "work" at school the week that he was toilet training full-time, and he had exactly NO behaviors. So ... the message is, he doesn't want to do any work? That would be a bummer because he has to. I'm hoping it's just a settling-in thing, that maybe THIS coming week, he'll do well with toilet training AND not have a million tatrums.

He went to the Fair this week. Also, a miniature horse came (not on its own, ha) to his school, but I guess he had no interest. His speech therapist mentioned he said NO! really well several times while the horse was there. When he went riding this summer at camp, they said he was scared at first but then he enjoyed being up on the horse. I guess this was just a horse to pet, though, which to Anthony might not be any different than a giant dog, and um, I can see why he didn't like it.

He also went on the Fair train, so that's his first train ride. I wish we had a picture of all these things! I am not a person who is ever all, "oh poor me, what can I do, my child is going to school!", but I can see how it's frustrating and hard to not have them with you all the time, after so much time when you can just take their picture whenever you want, and do whatever you want. I remember when Anthony was going to school a few years ago and I was so surprised at how well he did, following directions. Mike said well, they're putting on the yoke, you know, this is life, you do what everyone tells you, etc. It's so depressing! Maybe that's what people mean when they get all sad about their kids going to Kindergarten? I seriously can't see another reason - what is the alternative? They just stay at home forever? I don't get it.


Anyways, back to Anthony. Here on Saturday morning, he is sleeping, still, at 8:33! This is almost 12 hours after he went to sleep but Mike and I both thought we heard him around 5:30 so maybe he was up for a while this morning. I hope and pray we have a good weekend, I feel like he is due a good weekend, or even just one day.

Day ... 9? 10?

Whatever.  We've been doing toilet training since last Monday.  It's going well.  I guess?  I want to talk about a very big accomplishment that Anthony had this week but I am unsure about the etiquette involved here.  I am not, believe it or not, a person who really likes to talk about poop.  I'm not a fan of scatalogical humor, I'm against it ALL.  BUT this is what's going on in our lives and it's not a joke, and it IS a big accomplishment, so I'm just going to say that Anthony pooped in the potty at school on ... see now I can't even remember.  I guess it was Monday afternoon.  I can't imagine the insanity that went on in that bathroom - I know that it had to be crazy and I hope he appreciated it.  I hope it was a big deal to him, too, because really, it's his victory.

He is doing well.  He is the most patient, wonderful boy.  I hope that this all works out for him because I can't imagine anyone being more compliant or working harder at something.  I think of training Maria, for example, and what would it would be like to have that jungle cat on the toilet for as long as we've had Anthony there, and - ugh, it's not pretty.  But he's been great.  His therapists that came home were great, too, we've had a really positive experience overall.  Even though I know that it's not about OUR experience, we are the ones who are aware of it, so I guess it bears mentioning.

We're not finished yet - he just moved today to 30 minutes off the toilet and 5 minutes on and that's a LOT of toilet time, but we are definitely moving in the right direction and that's all I can ask for, really.  He has had a few behaviors this week already and he had one horrible, horrible night where he fell asleep before 7:00 and only slept until 11:00 p.m. and then was up until SIX a.m. and had to go to school on Monday.  Yesterday, speaking for my own self, sucked too, sleep-wise, because Veronica was up at 4:20 and I couldn't go back to sleep.  I am PREGNANT, I keep wanting to tell them, and have it matter.  I need to get some REST, but no one cares.  Well, Mike cares, he came home for lunch yesterday so I could take a nap but I still felt sick and horrible all day from it.  And then I have to DRIVE a big VAN with all my KIDS in it.  Oy.  Anyways, back to Anthony.  He is doing well, today they have a horse coming to the school to do some riding.  I hope someone gets a picture.  Later this week they are going to the State Fair, so I hope he enjoys that too.  He is some amazing person.

Sunday!!

Sunday! **shakes fist at sky**

We had a rough day today. Anthony was up at 4:00 and fell asleep before 7:00 and woke up again before 11:00. Toilet training was rough this weekend, especially today. He had a lot of accidents and ... we just don't know what he understands and what he doesn't but he seemed to be getting VERY sick of that bathroom. We probably were, too. I don't know, I hope things can get better this week. I always do, I guess.

I'm so mad tonight, Veronica was up late and then Anthony was up and it feels like there isn't one hour of the day when some child isn't yelling or being awake when they shouldn't. I would like to get some sleep sometime but I just don't see it in the cards for the next ... several years? Oy.

Then I read this thing from this blogger about how You Should Make Your Kids Help Around The House and You are a Big Jerk if You Don't and think, shut up, blogger. I can't get any of my kids to help me. Maybe I never will, how about that? I'd like to just walk around slapping people through the computer, some days.


Anyways. I don't know what tomorrow holds as far as training goes. I'm so proud of him, he's so impressive, to me. I don't know what he knows about what we are doing. I try to explain it but if he doesn't understand he probably thinks I am a) crazy and b) mean. I hate it, I hope he understands what we're doing. Maybe some day we'll find out!

Long Week

Anthony is doing very, VERY well with his toilet training. It's ... well, it's just the kind of pain and fear that I had with Maria and toilet training. You are super excited for victories, and then two seconds later, you think, they are never going to be able to do this and I never should have started because now we have to KEEP doing it, etc., etc. It all seems the same. It's been nice to have his therapists here, it's more challenging than you would think to keep a kid in the bathroom! He is tired at the end of the day, but he has been a real trouper through all of this. He continues to impress us, ha!