It occurs to me this week that Anthony never, ever talks at home anymore. He has gone like 11 days in a row without an accident at school, and allegedly he talks away there, but man. He hates it here, I guess, because he spends a lot of time pooping in his pants, or on the floor, or the furniture, or ... anywhere but in the toilet, mostly. He used to talk at home. He used to sing at home. He used to sign things, or say what sign I was making. But now he does nothing, except run around, tear cheese off of pizza and throw it on the floor, get the ice cream out of the freezer and dig it out with his hands, enjoy the bath, take off his pajamas, pee and poop all over his room, have tantrum after tantrum after tantrum, on and on and over and over. Today I thought - it's like he's an active member of his school - a 'learner', as they call them, but he is not a part of this family. Sometimes it feels like every nightmare I have about autism is coming true and he is getting further and further away from us.
THEN sometimes, he's very sweet, he comes over and leans in for a hug. He seems to enjoy the ball pit that I made him. He plays chase with Maria. But I have to be honest and say it's so, so rare. He is mostly on his own, stimming away, taking off his clothes and voiding everywhere. He is dropping food on the floor, and dragging his food covered hands all over the furniture, me, Mike.
I have all these friends from the internet who are autism moms. I feel, as usual, that I have nothing in common, that our days are so, so different. I am ground down to a nub every day and maybe that's why it feels so hopeless here lately with Anthony but man. I am really, REALLY hoping that we have some kind of a turnaround after the new year.
Hmmm. Good news. Well, he's been accident free at school, so that's good. He has a new program manager that has worked with him before and that I really like, so that's good. I cut his bangs. But now he AND Veronica are howling away so it's hard to think of anything else that's good. Maybe tomorrow.