Year End Meme

I would have sworn I did this for Anthony last year but I can't find it.  So anyway, here goes for 2010:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Turned five.  Completed a full year at his school.  Move to a new house.   Went to a movie in a movie theater!  Met a walrus!  

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't remember what I said last year.  So let's say he kept them from last year.  I think he should resolve to not have any more tantrums in 2011.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, at least Anthony's mother didn't give birth for the first time in two years!  He's probably relieved!  


4. Did anyone close to you die? I guess no. 

5. What places did you visit? Oh jeez, I don't think we went anywhere out of town, but we did go to Mike's mom's for Thanksgiving and Anthony went on those community outings from school - the State Fair, the Museum, 

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?  As usual, we would like Anthony to communicate better with us and with his therapists.  We have to try to find another way to do this.  He is better this year than last year, he does have spontaneous speech.  But obviously, it's not enough for him because he must be mad about something!  

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I don't know the date, but we went to the zoo and met the walrus this summer and that was amazing.  Anthony's last day with his therapist Heather was in April and that was significant but probably just to me and her, because we miss her!  Anthony got out from the yard in June and that was terrible.  

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year? Oh, he has daily victories.  He went to a movie, he touched that walrus, he is so patient and good with the girls.  

9. What was your biggest failure? It's not a failure but I wish these tantrums could stop.  

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Jeez, I don't think he's been sick at all.  He may have had a fever once this year.  

11. What was the best thing you bought? His therapy?  We started with a new occupational therapist this year and I'm happy he's back into that regularly, although his OT is not much of a communicator (irony) so I am not sure how he's doing.  She has a lot of experience, so I am assuming all is well and that she's just not much of a people person (irony).  

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Anthony.  I know he is trying so hard, I feel bad to even complain about these tantrums.  Nobody would want to feel like that.  He is a hard working boy and I want to celebrate that every day.  

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Speaking as an autism person, I am appalled at people who hurt their children, or God forbid kill them, because they have autism. I am appalled more than ever when people are cruel to children. 

14. Where did most of your money go? Co-pays, as usj.  We bought him a chair/bed for his room but he seems uninterested in it.  We have had to buy a lot of sleepers, if you know what I mean.  

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Anthony loves to succeed, just like everyone else.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? Amy, who drives him home for home therapy on Friday, says he likes the Glee Soundtrack.  

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. 
c) richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish he would talk more.  I wish he would be happy and content.  

20. How did you spend Christmas last year? Last year?  This year?  Last week on Christmas, we had my family here, including my brother John, who we haven't seen for a while.  The day after Christmas, Mike's family came up here.  


21. Did you fall in love in 2010?  I hope he's in love with all of us.  

22. How many one-night stands? He only stayed with us, so none!  

23. What was your favorite TV program? He is not into tv anymore, but he does sometimes like the Doodlebops, Signing Time and The Wiggles.  He likes on the Wiggles when they speed up the film.  

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2010?  I don't know.  I assume we had cake?  We don't go in for big parties anymore.  He did get a card signed by everyone at his school.  

25. What was the best book you read? I just got him two BIG books for Christmas, and I hope he likes that one.  His therapist Pam told me he likes one like it at school.   

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Glee?  Maybe?  He and his father have that in common, ha!  

27. What did you want and get? I don't know what Anthony wants, but I don't think he's gotten it yet.  

28. What did you want and not get? He wants more Oreos than we give him.  He wants to be left alone but we are always bugging him.  

29. What was your favorite film of this year? He saw Toy Story 3 in the theater!  

30. Did you make some new friends this year? Anthony has a friend that he plays with at school, apparently he is about Anthony's age and also pretty non verbal.  

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? We'd all be more satisfied if Anthony were happier and less tantrum-y.  

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? He's so cute, he wears jeans and camo pants and long sleeved tshirts.  He wears a belt here lately.  

33. What kept you sane? School, I bet.  His long time therapists, Pam and Amy.  

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None, I guess.  

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I have been thinking about prenatal testing and eradicating disorders by eradicating the people who might have these disorders before they're born.  It's so gross how now they want every pregnant woman to have prenatal testing, when it used to just be for people over 35.  Then they do the 'test', which is really just checking of data, and then they say, you are this percent likely to have this problem.  THEN they do an amnio (risky) and then if the baby shows up, say, with Down Syndrome, they talk to you about what life is like with a child with Down Syndrome.  A few weeks ago, there was a big hubbub about a card for sale at etsy.com.  It showed a child with Down Syndrome in a ... bad light, I guess.  Lots of people wanted it taken down and lots of people (jerks) thought if it was offensive to you, you just shouldn't buy it.  But the thing is - when you make fun of people for having something like Down Syndrome, when you use them for your amusement, you are sort of separating them from human beings.  There are going to be less and less people with Down Syndrome in our lifetime, because people are just going to abort their babies when they find out that they have it.  I can't imagine this is going to ADD to advocate services for people with DS, and it's unnerving.  If they start doing prenatal testing for someone who may or may not have autism, are we going to start aborting them, too?  Now it's like 1 in 110 or whatever and it's barely a BLIP on the RADAR of us, as a country, so what is going to happen when people think we can start to ERASE autism by erasing PEOPLE with autism?  This is why I am not too into "recovering from autism" or calling it a "diabolical nightmare of a disorder" or whatever.  My son has it.  He is not diabolical.  He is a human being and he has worth as such and it drives me BONKS when anyone threatens that.  But this is Anthony's meme, so I guess I won't say anymore.  :)  

36. Who did you miss? I think he misses my parents when they are in Florida.  

37. Who was the best new person you met?  We are all madly in love with Amy, Anthony's therapist.  They started in April.  

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.  I tell Anthony all the time, this is not how it's going to be.  This is how it is right now.  It will get better.  It will!  

Weather

We have had some warm weather today, so the snow (mostly) melted and we got to go outside. But except for our outing, it has been a pretty crappy day. Anthony slept in and then starting whining and having a tantrum and has barely stopped at all. I don't even know what to say about it anymore. He has a cold, and a runny nose, so maybe that's bothering him? It's very hard to say. It's impossible for Anthony to say.

The other day I put some tights on Maria. She wanted to wear a dress and it was freezing out, so I put these tights on her and her boots and she went somewhere with Mike. She came home and wanted the boots off and then she was shoving her foot at me, too, but I told her she should keep the tights on. She said, showing me her tights were gathered at her toe, "my tights are wiggly". So I fixed them and we moved on. I felt so bad, thinking about it later. Here's Maria, not three years old, and she knows that she doesn't even have to say the right word, exactly, to get her needs met. Her tights weren't really 'wiggly', but I knew what she meant, with the visual, and I could fix it. Hell, she could have probably fixed it if she wanted to.

Mike and I spend all day and night guessing what is wrong with Anthony, exactly what bug has crawled up his ass now. SOMEtimes it works, but it never works for long. It's so frustrating to not be able to help him and it sort of adds insult to injury when you get, like, kicked in the throat or punched for your trouble. I do not understand what I am supposed to be doing for him.

His school is closed on MLK day this year. The director wrote an email and said that they were going to have staff training that day. Because they are open so much, and the kids are always there, the staff has to go to training on the weekends a lot, so this seems like the best solution, she said, and I can see that. But she said that since a lot of schools are closed, many families keep their children home anyway and I think who? Who does that? Because it is hell on earth when Anthony is home and not in school and I just - I guess other people have very different lives, even families who have kids with autism. It sucks and I hate it. I hate being so worried about what we are going to do with him for the week. We can't take him to the museum or anywhere because EVERYONE is off from school and it's hard for us to handle the crowd with him. It feels very upside down, here lately. I am just glad that Mike is off on MLK day too so that it won't be just me with the three of them. I know that is a terrible way to feel and I wish I didn't, but there it is.

Anyway, nice pictures, right? He really was happy to get outside. We're going to try to go for a walk tomorrow. We'll just keep trying and trying until it gets better or we are worn down to nubs and we all have to go live in a home somewhere.

Hint

He just has a hint of a smile here, he can be a real stingy SOB with the smiles. We are on Day 2 of his week off and so far, it's rough! He wakes up rough and goes to sleep rough and we just try to have some happiness/contentment in between. I am trying to work with him on some school stuff, but it can be challenging. I try and remind myself that when he starts having a tantrum, it won't last forever, but since it feels like it, it's hard to remember.

Post 1400!

That's a lot of posts, right?  It doesn't feel like a post over 1300, ha!

So, it's Christmas Eve and the girls are sleeping and Anthony is in the living room with Mike.  He just pulled the (damned) tree down again and I for one cannot WAIT until I can take that tree down.  Now he just came in and he is pulling me away!

He just wanted to do the alphabet - where I sign it and he says it.  Then I signed one through ten and he says that, too.  He is such a funny duck.  What is he thinking?  What is going on with him?

Last year I said that by THIS year I hoped he could say "Merry Christmas!" and yesterday when I went to pick him up at school, he was going around with his newest therapist, Lindsey, and saying it to everyone.  He wasn't saying it spontaneously and God knows he probably doesn't really get what it is, but I hoped he could say it and he's saying it.  So.  Good for Anthony!

He took off two seconds after she sat down, ha!

String

He's putting the string from the blinds in his mouth, here, isn't he funny? Amy said he had a hard time this afternoon and that he seemed hungry so I got him a shake on the way home. I don't know, he definitely seems hungry but he also seems to like having something in his mouth. I wish I could get him to chew gum better! That's a weird thing to want, but it seems like it would help him. Maria is driving us mad this afternoon, she wants to dance with Anthony allll the time, she insists on twirling around, too!

He is off from school starting Friday through the new year. God help us, I hope he does okay on the break. They sent home some stuff to work on from school, hopefully we'll be able to fill his time. I get a little depressed reading about people's traditions that they are making for Christmas. We don't have any traditions, really, except Try Not To Lose Our Minds, which is really a year-round thing.

Field Trip

Anthony is off on a community outing today, as they call it at his school.  He's going to our children's museum, it's really fun, especially at the holidays, as they have a giant Yule Slide and I know he'll love it.

He woke up so grumpy and sad this morning but his blanket had fallen off in the night and I think that was the problem.  Mike and I covered him up and I rubbed his sweet head for a while and he fell back to sleep for just about 30 minutes but it seemed to help his mood.

Last night I was at Costco and I saw this mom with two boys.  One, who was walking next to her, was maybe 10 and then the other one, who seemed older, was riding in the cart part of the cart, sort of tapping his fingers.  I thought he probably had autism, Anthony rides in the same place in the cart (he doesn't like to ride backwards) and - well, I just thought he had autism.  I wanted to speak to her, to say "how's it going?" or something but you just can't do that.  FIRST of all, if her kid didn't have autism I think it might be offensive if I asked if he did.  And secondly, you just can't talk to people like that, or at least I can't.  Maybe it's the NJ in me.  It wouldn't bother ME if someone asked me, but I guess I figure not everyone is as nice as I am.  Ha!

I was thinking maybe I'll start making tshirts.  I saw a funny shirt recently that said "Birth Control is for Sissies!", which I thought was funny and I also thought it certainly made the person's feelings on the subject known.  But can I do that?  Should I make a shirt that says "Ask me about my autistic son!"?  Lame.  I wish I could a) know the future and b) read people's minds and c) know the future.

Edited to add, of course they make Autism Mom tshirts.  I like the "Got Autism?" one.  Ha!  That is not a hint, I don't really like tshirts with messages, in practice, just in theory.  

One Year Ago Today

Anthony is home from school today, which is SUCH a disappointment, since yesterday might have been one of the worst days we've had, ever? Maybe not ever. Maybe in a long time. It started at 5:00 with a tantrum that was - I don't know the words for them anymore. Horrible. Really bad. Exhausting. SOUL SUCKING. It makes me feel like a different person, to see him in such torment. It makes me mad at him and mad at me and mad at everyone and everything. Everything I was trying wasn't working so I left him with Mike and Mike took care of him until he felt better. But he was at a low-level of danger all day. Anything will set him off when he is like that and lucky (sarcasm) for us, we have Maria, who shouts BOO! every time she comes in a room, or screams or squeals or is in general tough to be around if you are in a bad mood. So. Rough day. And here we are, just WAITING for Monday, and now there is no school, for Anthony or Maria. Anthony doesn't really know or care, but Maria screamed and cried for a long time when we told her that she wasn't going to school today. Hoo boy.

Last night he was so, so tired, and he fell asleep early. Veronica has been having some trouble sleeping all night so we left her to figure it out on her own last night and she howled it up pretty good from 1:00 to .... sometime, we both fell asleep, but we were so worried she'd wake up Anthony. She didn't, though.

I met several of my neighbors yesterday, I went to a cookie exchange which was really fun. I met two other moms of kids with autism, and I learned that there are a few other families in the hood that have kids with autism. But I feel like we are always the autism-iest. One of the moms had a son who was 12, he was mainstreamed in school, he always talked, etc. The other mom's son was 30 and married. It always feels like I'm going to have something in common with people and then .. not so much, really.

I have to say, Anthony is doing great this morning. I am trying to set up some sensory fun activities for him and maybe it's helping, I don't know. Or maybe it's just luck or maybe he's well-rested or maybe he's about to blow! It's a mystery! When he's happy, he's so content and cute and perfect and then when he gets so upset, it's just - well, like I say, there aren't good words for it. But if there were words for it, I'd scream them at the top of my lungs, and pound the ground with my fists.

I haven't been posting much, but it's because these other kids of mine are SUCH a pain. I can't do anything without some jerkstore or other grabbing my damned hand and pulling it away. Veronica's climbing is epic. She is sitting on the table next to me right now and it's a race - will I finish typing first or will she fall to the ground? I'll tell you in the next installment, ha!

Friday

He's had a long week. He has been staying up super late and then he has to get up early for school and it's killing him. Last night he finally fell asleep around 9:30 and slept all night, but he still seems tired today. He has had a good week at school, it was his first full week there in a long time. He had his first home therapy day here today, I mean, his first at our new house. He seems to be settling in well, I bought him a chair for his room, because it seems so big! I'm hoping to get him some more pillows for him to bounce around in there. Don't tell him but we got him a Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head for Christmas. :)

Sweet November

Well it's over and I posted almost every day.
I'm glad it's over but I'm glad I did it too. We moved today and Anthony is up in his bigger room, knocking around. He could not fall asleep past night, I went in at 12:30 and lay down with him til he slept. I haven't seen him fall asleep in a long time, it feels like. He was as sweet as can be, just like I remember.

Last Monday

I am a big counter-downer, so this "last" this and "last" that really appeals to me.  I was thinking this morning of this house and how much I loved it when my sister and I had it built.  There was just the two of us, and we really knocked around in here, we had plenty of room!   We had a lot of fun here, as I recall.  It seems like a long time ago!  When Mike and I moved in, we painted all the rooms, which helped make it feel like ours, a little bit.  I painted Anthony's room last, I was home on spring break my last year at work.

When I started staying home with Anthony, and he was so cranky and fussy, I hated this house.  It was SO noisy.  Every floorboard made noise, it seemed.  I couldn't BELIEVE all that went on here during the day, it seemed like every time I turned around someone was building something or knocking something down, all of it so noisy.

But now I really feel like we will miss it.  What will he understand about it, I wonder?  I'll be glad to not have a basement anymore, because I am sick of having them be on three different floors at once, but will he miss it?  Will he be mad?  We'll see, I guess.  This is by far the craziest thing that has ever happened to us.  I may have to post tomorrow from my phone, I'm sure I will, but I'll have practically completed the 30 days for November.  I'm glad I did it this month, last year I did it and it was very depressing and even though things are kind of crappy for the most part, it was better this year.  Maybe by next year it will be downright cheery!

Sunday

I took no pictures today, we just packed and packed. Tomorrow will be our last night in this house, that's crazy, right? Anthony has been just fine today, well, the same as always. He is really enjoying the dropping movement that I'm doing with him. I assume if he keeps liking it, you'll soon be able to bounce a quarter of my ass, so there's that. Sunny side!

Saturday

Ugh, I was going to say that it was Sunday. These long weekends are KILLING me. Maria kept saying today, "I go see teacher TOMORROW?". They are all off their schedule. Anyways, here is Anthony with his sisters in the bathtub last night. He is *wary* at best. Veronica, as you can see, if having the TIME of her LIFE! Anthony seems to have kind of a soft spot for Veronica. Today I was holding her and kissing her belly and she was laughing, adorably, and Anthony actually looked over at her. Big excitement!

He had a hard day today, a terrible awful tantrum last night right before I went out, and just ... not a great weekend. I was so MAD today, he was flipping out and Mike was at the store with Maria and Veronica was upstairs and I was downstairs with Anthony. I was doing joint compressions on him, his ankles and I was trying to do them really hard, so that he could feel them through the tantrum. I started to PUSH against his ankle like I was PUSHING against this stupid autism that is kicking our collective ass here lately and it really felt better. I thought, there has to be a way to make him feel better, he can't tantrum like this for FORTY minutes! You should see the way he FLOPS his body into the floor! He has bruises on his back! So. I was getting a little mad about it and I tried to hold him, like cradle him like a baby and then DROP! him. This involves me holding a 55 pound person and then doing a fast, deep knee bend. He loves it, of course. "Drop!" he says. Actually, he tries to get away with saying "Drum!" because he can be kind of a lazy S.O.B., but I make him say "Drop!" and then I do these deep knee bends. Oh, he started to laugh and relax and my legs were burning, ON FIRE, but I did not care. I would have done them all day. I know it's such a relief to him when he is let go from the tantrum and it is to us, too.

Tonight in Church the gospel was about the "Stay awake!", thing, because you'll neither know the hour nor the day. I thought, I'm awake. Don't you worry. I'm always awake. :)

Dreamy

 
Isn't he so cute? He just got his waffle this morning, after sleeping LATE (well, 9:00. That's half the day to his sisters) and cuddled up on the couch. He had a hell of a hard time last night but fell asleep around 11:00 and then slept all night. Things are better since we are putting that tape around his pajamas but they are still not great.

I said to Mike last night, you know some day a week is going to go by and he's not going to have any tantrums. I said, one day we'll be putting them to bed and we'll realize he didn't have one and then the days will just start to add up and he'll not have them so much! I said he's not going to be a 15 year old, in that room, throwing himself to the ground. I am hoping and praying this is true. I can't imagine the relief that we'll feel when we are not waiting for those meltdowns so much. We are getting very tense and sad as people, so I hope it doesn't last too much longer. It's already affecting my looks - I always tell people I feel like if you looked at a picture of me today and of one four years ago, it would be like looking at a President before and after he served. A president who went to WAR or something, ha!

Happy Thanksgiving!

They all looked so cute today but now everyone has pooped and peed on everything so-no pictures! But of course, I am very thankful for Anthony. I'm thankful for Little Star. I'm thankful for Mike. I'm thankful for Maria, who loves Anthony so much and is going to be his fiercest friend, I bet. I'm thankful for Veronica, who is so loving and sweet and cuddly when no one else is. I'm thankful for Anthony's therapists and teachers, past and present. I am thankful that somehow, even when we have a crappy day or night, we are able to look ahead to the future, which we know is bright. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday

I read the saddest thing on the internet this week. I follow a lot of autism moms on Twitter and someone linked to a blog that said "11 year old autistic boy speaks!" and I read it. But it was such a setup. The mom said that her family was at a big holiday celebration and her son, who was non verbal, came over and said "I'm thirsty!" so she got him a drink and then he drank it and said "that was great, I love you Mom". She said then he went and played and interacted and it was just like she always thought it would be. She said he came back to her and said it again, "I love you, Mom". And then I woke up, she said. Waaah!

I have to say, I never dream that Anthony is different, but I have dreamed that he is talking and talking to me. I think it was even before I had Maria talking. It was so nice, in my dream, the way he was just chatting about his day, whatever. I never dream that he doesn't have autism. I never dream that he is in a regular kindergarten or whatever because I have no reference for it, maybe. Or maybe .. I don't know, it's not a figurative dream of mine that he'll talk, so it's not a literal one. I used to want him to talk and now I just think - I want him to be happy. Mike says, and I agree, we want him to be interested in SOMETHING. I don't care if it's us, just something.

He had a good day today and he is going to start going all week next week, so I'm hoping that works out. He had a good day in occupational therapy today and that's always promising. It makes him mad, I think, to feel so good in OT (he swings, jumps, crawls through stuff) and then he has to get back to work and I think he's mad about it, sometimes. But hopefully as he continues with it, he'll be able to do some stuff on his own to make himself feel good.

We are moving a week from today. I hope you people out there are praying and thinking good thoughts for us and especially for Anthony. My sweet Aunt Joan emailed me last week to wish me luck and I can feel it, every day. I can barely do this job, but I know for sure I couldn't do it at all if it weren't for my family and friends being so good and sweet to me and to Anthony.

Counter Raisins

 
He loves sitting up there, eating those raisins. I am praying there's nothing for him to climb in the new kitchen.

So intense!

 
He had a good day today, although this picture is from yesterday. He woke up well and had one minor freakout on the way home. I've probably just screwed up the next two hours by saying this.

Quack

 
At first we thought he wanted to put it on, but then we realized he just liked the way that it felt. It is super soft.

Sunday

I haven't taken a picture of Anthony today, he had a ROUGH ONE. He is wearing, or I should say he WAS wearing this shirt that my friend Teresa gave him. She gives me a LOT of her son Garrett's hand me downs and I love them. But anyways, he's wearing this shirt today that says I AM STRONG AND BRAVE. It's so soft and great and I just love that message, because he really is. I know that we will get this worked out and he will get better. He has had some WHOPPER tantrums lately. Late at night, early in the morning, no time is safe! Last night he was flipping out until almost 11 and then Veronica was up at 4:45 so - it makes for a short night. Last night in church, I was reading the little writeup about the Gospel. The Gospel reading was the one about Jesus on the cross and the two criminals speak to Him and one says, "Hey get us out of here!" and the other says "Remember me when you come into your Kingdom". Anyways, the write up said that we always WANT love and painlessness from God and we wonder why He can't just get us out of here when things are tough? I personally think this ALL THE TIME! But, it said, God is not a King like that - He is a King like He is a person, too. He does not promise us painlessness, it said, but love, and you can tell that when you see Him hanging on the Cross.

When things are going okay, and I've had enough sleep, I think, welllll that makes sense. BUT things are often NOT going well and I'm ALWAYS tired so mostly I think well, that might be the way it is, but it doesn't mean I'm always going to like it. I am still praying for a miracle.

Saturday

 
This picture is actually from yesterday and then I forgot to post it! Ugh, these weekends are just awful. I told Mike, I don't know what to do. I can't pretend that they are the same as weekdays, they're not! I went out last night and had such a fun time but I was out laaaaate and then of course Anthony was up at 4:00, howling away until Maria started and then he went back and she went back and then there was pee everywhere in his room and blah blah blah blah blah I'm tired. We've had road crews outside the house all day today and it's super noisy and sometimes shakes the house and everyone is a little tense from it. Mike took Anthony to Costco and he said A was pretty tense and on the edge but then he got some blueberries gave them to him and he was better. I can't believe next weekend is our last weekend in this house, that's crazy, right? I am praying and praying that Anthony does okay with the move. I just hope it all works out and that we're all happy. I hope he doesn't miss this house, the yard, his room, the basement. *I* am not going to miss that basement at all - I am so looking forward to just having two levels to loook for these kids. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have it be December 1!

Dedication

I am so dedicated to posting every damned day this month that I am posting from a bar, on my phone! Aren't I wonderful? Ha! I was thinking about being thankful because thanksgiving is coming up. So. I am thankful that my sister Laura is babysitting tonight, so Mike and I can go out and I can ignore him and post this, ha. But seriously, I would not make it through my life without her and especially the last few years. She comes over every Thursday on my long days and everyone poops on the floor and yells and it's crazy but she stays anyway, even bringing dinner sometimes! I am praying she gets this job she wants, even if it means no more weekly visits. Aren't I selfless? ;)

the kids loooove her. Maria came down from her nap today and saw her pOcketbook and said "Lolo's here!". Anthony loves her so much, he melts into her arms most days. And he is so comfortable with her, he has no problem pooping on the floor right where she is about to step, ha!
I am thankful for many things, and many family members especially, but this will be all I'll discuss tonight, as I am already weeping in the bar. Lame.

I am Hatred

This is an excellent video, in my opinion. I think these text-to-movie videos are so interesting It says "if you can type you can make a movie" at the end. I'm not sure about who makes them or why but I find them interesting and funny.

Poor Anthony had a bad start this morning, he had a tantrum that lasted 45 minutes, which is a looooooong time if you are in the middle of it. He has been sick, I don't know if that's it, or what. Maybe he hates his room? Maybe he hates mornings? I don't know. Mike says we are going through a rough patch right now, is all, and I am just going to believe that. Veronica is sick and has been up like every third night for WEEKS now, and it's getting OLD. Mike was up with her from 12-2 and then I from 2-3 and then I got up with her again at 5:00 and Maria was up before 6:00 and then Anthony woke up, flipping the flip out, around 7:00. Not cool, children! It makes for a very sad and tense morning.

Anyways. He is at school, I assume he's fine because he seemed better all day yesterday and we haven't heard anything. I am crossing my fingers and praying, as usual, that things go better tomorrow.

Last Friday

 
It's hard to believe, on this rainy crappy old Tuesday, that just last Friday we were outside playing! Here's Anthony with Amy, who we all love so much. Maria waits and waits for Friday! And Amy! Today I went up to get her from her nap and she was yelling until I came in. I said "Hi!" and she said, all impatient, "are we going to see Amy TODAY?".

Anthony is home this afternoon and so is Mike, thank God. Veronica and I were sick and now Anthony is sick. The only ones that are safe, so far, are Mike and Maria. Anthony is really no different sick than he is healthy, if he doesn't have a fever. He just must have kind of a stomach bug and although Veronica is throwing up all over her father, seemingly all the time, Anthony just has some d-ha, as my friend Emily calls it.

I am looking for pictures for our Christmas card and I came upon this one. Have you ever seen such a smile? I think about that woman who killed her son, did he never smile? Was he never happy? How does it get to be too much?

Question

Stimey asked this question, in the comments from yesterday's post:

Don't you just wish sometimes that someone would just tell you what to do?

My answer is YES. It blows my mind how alone we all are in this. I remember, when I was pregnant with Anthony, people telling me how shocking it is to go home from the hospital with a newborn. How they just LET you walk out of there with this BABY and you are supposed to take care of it. When we brought Anthony home, I do remember thinking that it was just the three of us, but I don't remember being so shocked and scared that we were in charge. I am an OLDE mother, so maybe that's why I wasn't so worried.

BUT. I do get worried now. I wonder how can it be that Anthony is so profoundly affected by this and there are almost no resources available to us? We can send him to his school, but when he has troubles there, they ask us what's going on. We can take him to his regular pediatrician and his developmental pediatrician and they can tell us that there's nothing physically wrong with him, and that he can take drugs to calm him down. We already know all this. We know this just from being people who have been alive for a certain amount of time.

What we don't know is how to make Anthony feel better. I feel like if he had a sickness, a physical sickness, they wouldn't just leave us alone with it. Mike and I both have advanced degrees, we are intelligent people, we have worked for many years and still - we have no idea what to do when Anthony is whacking himself in the head. When he is kicking me in the throat (still mad, I guess). When he is saying "okay! It's okay!" and crying like his heart will break. When he wakes up so mad and sad and we have to get him and his sisters ready to go out.

Who do we have to look to for answers? Jenny McCarthy? Really? Questionable doctors from England, who have been disproven time and time again?

So. Yes, I would like very much to be told what to do. I would definitely prefer being told what to do to this flailing around, feeling like every choice we make is wrong. But there is no one there, there is no one to help US and we are the only ones who can help Anthony, so what can you do? If anyone knows, feel free to leave it in the comments. :)

Edited to add: It freaks me out when I read stories like this. What must life be like, when your only option is to kill your child? Good Lord.

Sunday

 

I never really believed things like when you love someone, it doesn't hurt when they hit you, or whatever claptrap there is in the musical Carousel, but I'll tell you what: Anthony kicked me so hard in the throat today that even now, an hour later, it still really hurts, but I don't feel like it hurts. I feel so sad about it, and I feel so worried about when he gets bigger and he kicks me in the throat, but mostly I just feel so sorry for him. These tantrums are insane - I mean, they are really crazy. They come out of nowhere and I know they won't last long and I want to help him, but what do you do? I ask him, "what do you want?". I make recommndations, like "how about some squeezes?". I read all this stuff online about it and it just has nothing to do with us. "Eventually", on article said, "your child will be able to tell you what he wants". Um. NOT LIKELY. I feel like there is so much information out there and none of it is for us.

But then - he's just better. He just gets better and he comes in the kitchen and pushes the water I offer away, but takes a cookie or two and he's better. I don't understand it, I don't, but I just hope it stops soon.

4:30

He woke up at 4:30 this morning and although he was upset at first, and he had a RECORD SETTING tantrum earlier, he is doing better now. We went out to lunch and everything!

Friday

OH JEEZ is he CUTE? He had many moments of happiness today, outside in the yard. Amy brought him home for therapy and said that he must have been tired, his morning therapist said he laid down several times and his speech therapist said every time he sat down, he laid down his head. Ha! He was up LATE last night and early this morning, so he is tired. Anyways, she said we should maybe go outside and get some fresh air, but as soon as she said that, Anthony was all, "downstairs!", so we went downstairs for a while, then for a walk, then played outside. Amy set up some boxes that I have in the yard (so trashy) for them to climb through and he loved it. He is so tired, but he really managed to pull out a fun afternoon.

The Listening Program

So I was talking to a mom of a newly diagnosed child and she said he has been doing The Listening Program therapy and it seems like it's going well.  I think maybe we'll look into it for Anthony.  They have providers here, why not?  I want to keep trying stuff.

He is crazy.  It's 8:25 and he's up in his room, cackling away.  He laughs and chatters away, which is great.  Then sometimes he gets upset and cries, like before.  He cried and I went up and he was naked as a jaybird, which made me glad I went up there!  He was sweet, he said "good night" when I said it to him.  Well.  I said it SEVERAL TIMES and then he said it.  But he was sweet and lovey and lately he likes to play with my hair, which is cute.

See?  Not it's 8:26 and he's sort of crying.  Sheesh.  Oh, how I am praying that he likes this new house, that they all do.  We have our appraisal here tomorrow and that is the last piece of the puzzle.  I suppose it could go badly - they could appraise our house for less than what the people are buying it, and then I don't know what I'd do.  I am just hoping and praying that it all goes well - there is no reason that it shouldn't, our house is priced exactly right and it should be fine.  Meanwhile I am NOT that into cleaning this house again so some stranger can come in again, but at least this should be it.

Tomorrow is Friday, which is always a fun day - we have home therapy with Anthony and everyone gets to see Amy, which makes everyone happy.  Maria waits all week for it to be Friday!

No Pictures, Please!

Ha, maybe he's ashamed because he read my blog post from this morning. Not really, of course he doesn't read OR read this blog. Plus there is no shame in it - it just is what it is, right now, and it won't be like this forever. Mike and I are going to be more vigilant about checking on him and making sure it doesn't happen again. Also I am going to try to let him play with finger paints more often. :)

The Poop

Here's the thing - I don't want to talk about poop.  You can ask anyone, I never, EVER have liked to talk about it.  I don't find scatalogical humor funny, I just - blech, I just do not like to talk about it.  Once you have kids, of course, you talk about it more.  Some days it feels like it's all I do, talk to Maria about it, change Veronica's diaper, etc, etc.  But we had a situation here this morning that I want to talk about, because I keep feeling like I'm the only person this happens to and I just can't be. I know I'm not.

Apparently, we have to figure out something else besides sleepers for Anthony because now he is sliding out of the ones that are bigger, and unzipping the ones that are tighter-fitting.  Last night, I guess before he went to sleep, he got out of his nightie, took off his diaper, and pooped EVERYWHERE in that room.  Then he took his hands and smeared it everywhere it wasn't.  It was all over the floor, the bed, the walls, the closet walls, the door, the dresser, the window, and the clothes that were hanging in his closet.  Mike and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and then everyone went to school and then I came home and vacuumed and mopped and cleaned again and now I think it's clean.

I keep thinking of those murder mysteries on Lifetime, where they use the Luminol?  I think maybe I could make my living as a crime-scene-cleaner-upper, because I am getting really good at it.

It's so upsetting.  I hate the thought of him sleeping like that all night, although of course he seems largely unaffected.  He frankly seems kind of annoyed about having to take a bath in the morning, he's all "um, not for nothing, Mom and Dad, but I usually do this at night".  Maria talks to us incessantly while we are cleaning - "Is that POOP?"  she asked.  I told her yes, it's poop and we have to clean it up.  "Cause it's DIRTY?"  she said.  YES!  I told her, not wanting to miss an opportunity for some toilet training.  I told her, THIS is why POOP should go in the TOILET!  Because it's REALLY hard to clean UP!

Anyways.  That's what we're doing today.  We are going to start putting duct tape on his diaper, tape on the zipper of his nightie, and checking him before we go to bed.  It's so hard to tell the difference between his regular noise before bed and his poomaggedden noise before bed, we are just going to have to check.  Also, I think maybe we should stop feeding him.  Kidding!

Tuesday

Can it really be only Tuesday?  How is this possible?  What is up with the Daylight Savings Time phenom?  We haven't had DST for too long in Indiana, which I thought was hilariously weird when I moved here, and I still do, actually.  Lots of people HATE it and HATE the legislators for bringing it to Indiana.  Lots of people are MAD at our governor for MAKING us DO IT when it CONFUSES the COWS.  I'm not really mad at anyone but I am amazed at how early it makes everyone wake up around here and how long it has made the days seem.

Poor Anthony was up in the night.  Yesterday was Mike's birthday so we went to Five Guys for dinner and then to Cold Stone Creamery for dessert and then to Pat Flynn's to watch some Monday Night Football.  My sister babysat and she said she heard Anthony cry, like really cry, so she got him a glass of water and then went up there and she said he was FINE and DANDY.  He was all, "Hi, Laura, welcome to my room!".  Ha!  He fell asleep around 9:00, I guess and we went to sleep around 11:30 or so, then he was up at 1:45 with a dirty diaper (ugh, and a rash, poor baby).  He never really woke up, just cried and cried and then went back to sleep and we left.  Maria heard him screaming and she was up, but only briefly and then both girls were up at 5:30, which - ugh.  Too early!  Anthony slept until like 7:00, which is *whispers* pretty good.  I hate to think we are ever going to have to give Anthony sleep aids, I just don't like the idea of it, for him.  He has been doing great lately and I am not even going to erase that, for fear that I will jinx us.  I don't believe in jinxes.  I DON'T.

Anyways, I might add a picture later, but I wanted to post so I don't forget.

No Picture, but I had a thought about this post - I would like to do something productive with this posting every day, instead of just saying, blah blah blah, Anthony woke up, blah blah tantrum, blah blah we're tired.  I am lucky to have read a bunch of stuff on the internet and 'met' a lot of really great moms who have kids with autism.  So I go around with all this information and I don't share it and ... well, what the hell, right?  So here's a link to Stimeyland, one of my favorite blogs, and this is one of my favorite posts.  I recently made a new friend on Facebook, who just got a diagnosis of autism for her little boy and I recommended this to her, but I want to put it on Anthony's blog, too. So here it is.

Tired

He's tired this afternoon. Amy said he had a good day, and a great time at the park (it's beautiful here, sunny and almost 70 today), but that he got kind of upset right before I picked him up. He did okay, though, he ate a cracker and was fine on the long ride home. We played outside for a while after we got home and he seems fine. He's eating spinach pizza right now, getting his vegetables. :) It is my plan to get these kids to eat better once we move. I have a lot of high hopes, I know, but I just have to keep trying to give him stuff until I find something he likes. He likes: red sauce, cheese, pasta and bread. I am going to make pizzas and sneak stuff in and just keep plugging away with him.

Rough Day

Today is a rough day for Anthony. Sundays are the devil around here, for him. All day I've been trying to get a picture of him so I wouldn't forget to post today but it's been hard, because he's been crying a lot of the time. I don't even know what to say about it anymore. I hope it stops soon. It makes it difficult to live your life with this going on. I hope it gets better.

Saturday

Ooh how he loves to whip those hands around! I was going to write about his room today and I have a funny story. Well, not funny but whatever - Mike and I went to see a play last night and my sister babysat. She said Anthony made noise in his room until around 10:00 and I checked in on him when I went to bed, around 11:00. I saw a diaper on the floor and Anthony was lying on the bed, naked as a jaybird and all stretched out like Hugh Hefner or something. He likes to be naked, for sure. I put a diaper on him and covered him up and he never even woke up.

There's not much in his room. He has his bed, which is just a mattress and box spring on the floor. He has his dresser, which is actually Mike's old dresser, but we have to turn it around at night so he doesn't open the drawers and climb up on it. One morning, before we started to turn it around, he climbed up there, threw up, and then lay down and went to sleep! CRAZY. He has a beautiful window film on the lower half of his window, it looks like clouds and blue sky. On the window, he has a great, EXPENSIVE Levolor cordless blind, but he broke it so it's just sort of balanced on the window. The doors are off his closet, as he used to TEAR THEM DOWN during 'quiet time', before I realized that he is not the kind of person who wants to have quiet time. He has his rugs from Target on the floor, and his beanbag from Pottery Barn, and that's it. It's a boring room, but we can't leave much in there because he'll just mess with it. I think in the new house I'm going to do the same thing, put the same stuff in there, but I am going to get a few more rugs with different textures that he might like, and I think I'm going to get him a chair that folds out to a bed. No matter what, he is awake for a few hours after he goes to bed, so I figure he may as well enjoy himself. I hope he is happy in the new house - his room will be bigger, I hope it's not strange to him. I worry about it a lot but I also figure, what can we do? We are moving in 3.5 weeks, that's all there is to it.

Video

Well, I have fallen down already about posting every day!  So this is yesterday's.  I was going to post this cute video of Anthony talking for Amy.  We have been just doing the home therapy at home for the past few weeks and it's going pretty well.  He has had a good week, a LOT of talking, a lot of independent requests - 67 on one day this week and 64 another day.  He is so sweet and I like the idea of getting it on video.  BUT I have Windows 7 and it isn't compatible with my camcorder and I'm super mad about it and have spent waaaay too much time working on it so I am putting it away.  Maybe I will ask for Yet Another Flip for Christmas and maybe no one will drop it on the ground and break it.  THEN maybe I can have some video.  Waah.  I am still feeling very sorry for myself about it so I'm going to cut this off and have it count for yesterday and I'll post some pictures and pith later.

Backyard

We have a nice deck right off the back of our new house, and it's a super nice yard. It's only about half fenced, so we're going to have it fenced the rest of way soon after we move in, weather permitting. Our lives changed for the WAY better (to quote Maria) once we got this fence. It was like a whole extra room, to me. Of course, it's not the same for us since Anthony got OUT through the gate, but even now we feel pretty secure knowing that it's shut, we just have to check it more. When I think of him getting out that day, and us running around with no shoes on trying to find him, it scares the life out of me. I have literally never been so scared in my life. I just thank God that I had JUST put clothes on him so I knew what he was wearing. He was wearing his Fruit Loops shirt and his tan shorts, fyi. :) So if he ever gets out again and happens to be wearing those clothes, I'll for sure remember, ha!

The Kitchen

We will be waking up in our new house, God willing, four weeks from today. Our new kitchen is super nice and I am looking forward to having some cabinets that I can reach. Our new buyers are coming tonight to measure our kitchen, they are going to do some "remodeling", my Realtor told me. At first I was super offended, but really, the house is 17 years old! Some of those cabinets don't even have doors, because Anthony has stepped on them to get to the countertops. So I'm not offended, but I do really love the kitchen.

Anthony and I spent a lot of time in the kitchen when he was little. I always say about this house, "if you're not in the livingroom, you're in the kitchen", because there are just two rooms downstairs. I used to put him in the swing in the morning and unload the dishwasher and somehow the clinking of the glasses and plates would soothe him and that's how he started taking a morning nap. I used to keep him in his bouncy seat up on the island or the table, so he could be at eye level. He never liked to be "up heeeeere" on the counters the way Maria did, though.

He opens the fridge now when he wants something, and if he can't get the package open, he'll bring it to me. Our new fridge is similar to the one we have now, so at least that will be the same. I am going to make a NEW rule in the NEW house that they can only eat in the kitchen or the dining room and I am determined to stick with it. It has gotten a little crazy around here with the food - all three of them go anywhere they want with food and then I find a RIDICULOUS old hot dog downstairs, like a month after it was left there.

He had a rough morning today. He somehow got out of his pajamas in the night and it was kind of a mess in his room. He had to take a bath and it seemed to mess him up, as he usually takes a bath and then goes to bed. Plus Maria and Veronica are ALWAYS all up in his grill, it would make anyone mad. I think he's mostly a very patient boy.

Favorite

This is one of my favorite pictures of Anthony, Mike took it and we used it for his birthday invitation that year. He seems like he used to be happier, right? And laugh more? Ha, me too, I keep thinking. I wonder if parents of typical children feel this way - are they all just less complicated when they are 1.5 or 2 years old? I guess for us, we won't know until we get Maria to that age - which feels verrrry far off, indeed. Sometimes I think she still has THREE years until she goes to Kindergarten and I just - well, it seems like she is a lot older than that.

Anyway. Back to Anthony and his happiness. Sometimes, even if he doesn't seem happy, he seems content. Unfortunately, he seems content when he is, like, stimming with his hands, in front of his nightlight or something. Normally, I would say, I don't care - if he's happy doing it, he should be able to do it! BUT I think it can actually be harmful to him, so we try and move him on to something else. We try to redirect him from what's making him HAPPY to something that will make him UNHAPPY in the short-term, but maybe happier in the LONG TERM Of course, he doesn't care about the long term, what child does? I don't know, but I don't think there are many kids saying "gee, thanks, Mom, for not letting me do this thing that I think is super fun, so that I'll be happier many years from now".



We are moving at the end of the month and we'll be in a new school district. It's supposedly a better one, I've heard a lot of great things about it. We intend to send the girls to Catholic school, so I don't really care about it for them, but I'm excited about it for Anthony. He is going back to Little Star five days a week, starting right after Thanksgiving. I feel like it's the right choice, he misses some things at school because he's out a day, plus he doesn't get to work with his Tuesday/Thursday therapists as much and it's harder for them to get to know him well, etc., etc. Our new house will be a little closer to his school and that will be nice too. These girls of mine are getting SICK of the long ride!

Anthony had a good morning today, which of course worries me that he will have a bad day at school. It seems like if it's not one time of day, it's another, for him. I am looking forward to when he is just HAPPY, or CONTENT, or at least not so sad/mad at least once a day. I'm hopeful it will be soon, maybe we'll all get it for Christmas. :)

November 1

So it's November and I wasn't going to post every day because it's sure to be one of the busiest Novembers of my life, because we are moving, but I am going to give it a shot.  I'm going to try to think about our house as I post.  Mike and I have only lived here together a little longer than Anthony has, since he was born less than a year after we got married, so we are all going to miss it, I bet.

I wish I knew what Anthony would think about moving.  I think it will be nicer for him to have a bigger room, but then I think, does he?  Would he?  I can't keep much in his room, because of his propensity for throwing everything around at bedtime, but maybe I can get him some more pillows for his beanbag, or maybe put a swing in his room or something.  I think that where we are moving has a better school district and we won't have to fight so much with them, so that's good.  It has such a nice deck on the back and maybe Anthony would like to hang out there, I think.  This would all be easier if he would just tell me.  :)

That brings me to my next point.  So there is this idea for today, November 1, that bloggers and people on the internet don't blog today, or use Twitter or Facebook or whatever, because we're supposed to be representing for people who have autism.  I was thinking of doing it, but then I thought, what?  Why would it make a difference for someone like me to not talk?  I can talk.  Apparently, some nonverbal people with autism were mad about it too because the only way that they can communicate is online.   I shouldn't say the only way, but I mean it's a great way for nonverbal people, who can communicate in other ways, to communicate.  So.  Bad idea, at least for me.  Also, a bad idea as far as this mom whose blog I read is concerned.  Besides, I swear Anthony is one of the very few kids with autism I know who is nonverbal.  Sometimes I meet moms of kids with autism and I think 'great!' and then it turns out their child can talk and - ugh - it is just not the same.  It's sort of the same, but not the exact same, which is what I'm looking for.  I'm looking to be friends with an autism mom whose child is nonverbal and maybe one or two years older than Anthony.  I want her to have done just the right things and have her life be great and then she can teach me how to do the right things and then my life will be great.  So where is she?  Ha!

I keep thinking, mostly when Anthony is screaming about one thing or another, maybe we'll be really happy in this new house?  Maybe Anthony HATES this house and that's why he's so mad all the time?  Wouldn't that be nice?  I'm aware this is nuts, I'm just kidding.  Mostly.

We brought Anthony home here on June 8, 2005.  I remember they were putting siding on or painting our house so it was super noisy and I would be sitting in a chair or on the bed, nursing Anthony,  and UP would POP some guy who was working on the house.  AWKWARD.   Anthony stayed in our room for the first several weeks.  He really stayed in our arms the first several weeks.  He would NOT lie down without screaming.  I remember one night I was in our bed with him and Mike was in the guest room (which we would lose, of course, to Maria and then Veronica).  I nursed him and he seemed so sleepy and I thought, I am just going to lay him down, what could it hurt?  I laid him down and then put the Boppy pillow around his head, like in an upside down horseshoe and he slept for like TWO HOURS.  It was probably when he was about a week old and it was probably the first time I slept for two hours in a row since before he was born.  We laid him down more and more and then we went to my mom's house and stayed for several days and my mom kept putting him down, which made me crazy at the time, because he would wake up and cry but it was good for him.  Eventually he started sleeping longer and longer out of our arms and then we started putting him in the crib in his room.  He never laid down his head one time in his bassinet, not ONCE.  We used to keep laundry in it, ha!

So cute.  2007, in the livingroom.  

How Do I Deal With Stress?

This is part of a blog hop about what I do, as a parent of a child with autism, about stress

I guess there is a lot of stress involved with raising a child with autism, but I tend to focus on the stress that occurs when one's two and one year old daughter crawl up one's butt every damned day of her damned life, so I can't even think of what stress Anthony causes me.  

I know that it is a near constant worry, that we have about Anthony.  I think about him all day while he is at school.  I worry more now than I used to, because of the tantrums that he has now.  Sometimes I go get him at school and his eyes are so red and I know that he was just crying hard and it kills me.  I hate that he is at school, being upset and maybe wondering where I am, and I'm not there.  I'm down here, miles and miles away, trying to pry Maria or Veronica off my leg.  Logically, I know that he's fine, but since he started having these tantrums, I can hear him crying in my head, even when he's not.  

In the mornings, Mike goes in to get him and he always says "Hi, Buddy!", so cheery and happy and I wait, poised and tense, to see how Anthony will react.  Often, he is upset in the morning.  Often, he'll cry and yell and Maria will say to me, "Anthony doesn't feel good, Mommy?", and I'll say, "No.  No, he doesn't".  

Lately in the paper we've been reading - well, Mike reads it and tells me - about some sad autism stories.  A five year old was saved from drowning in a retention pond, after he left his apartment while his mom was lying down (I think to myself, NEVER LIE DOWN).  Parents of adult children with autism are told to leave them at homeless shelters, if they can't take care of them.  This is in Indiana, which is AWESOME, right?  It puts a whole different light on commercials when the Governor talks about how we are in such great shape, financially.  

Soooo, I guess I'm saying yes, there is stress.  How do I handle it?  I pray daily and almost hourly.  I pray for Anthony, I pray for a miracle, that he can handle his life in the world.  I pray for strength, and I pray for Mike and me.  Please note, this does not always work.  Sometimes, I get so mad and I think, how could God want my little boy to be screaming and crying like this?  What does this mean?  Why should Anthony be punished like this?  But that's only sometimes.  I know that mine is not to reason why, I know that I can just do the best I can by Anthony and that's that.  He'll have to live with us forever, he may never get a job, he'll never be toilet trained - these are things I worry about, but really, they could all be true of the two girls, too.  They're not *probable*, but it could happen.  Anything could happen to anyone's children, it's just that Mike and I know a little bit more about Anthony's future than we do about Maria and Veronica's.  I'm always saying I want to know the future, so maybe this is the way that I do?  

I do try to go out, I probably go out too much.  I like to go out and talk to other people, I like to go out with Mike.  The reason it seems like it's too much is because whenever we go out, it seems, the children know and punish us by waking up early.  Last night, we went out and were home before 11:00, I watched a little bit of a movie and fell asleep by 11:30, and then at 3:45, Veronica woke up and was up until almost 6:00.  So, it's fun to go out but it's never fun to be so tired, so that actually ends up adding to the stress and not alleviating it.  

I read, we watch a lot of escapist television, I try and work out.  I eat ice cream.  Honestly, we just plug away and try to plan a lot and not think too much.  We have put a lot of thought and work into what we are doing with Anthony right now, but we have to have faith that we have made the right decision and let it go, a little bit.  I love his therapists and I know they treat him like he's one of their own, and that's all I can ask.  I also try to not look for fights (believe it or not).  I can't look for offense in every single thing.  For example, right now there is this quiz going around Facebook about "Your Autism Quotient" and a lot of my friends have taken it.  They have taken a test to see how autistic they are.  It makes me mad, kind of, because I think if you are taking an adorable quiz about it, perhaps you don't have to worry that you have AUTISM.  But I am not going to be mad about it, I'm not going to look for things that separate me from my friends who have only typical children.  I'm going to look for things that make us the same.  We are all parents.  We have more similarities than differences.  

He's a beautiful, lovely boy.  He never screams at me or gets mad at me.  He works so hard.  He tries all the time.  Why should I be stressed out about that?  He is just who he's supposed to be, right now, and I get to be his mother.  Sometimes I can make him feel better when he feels just *awful*.  I always try and remember that, that I am here to help him, and that I have been given the ability to help him.  I don't always succeed, as I said, sometimes I get really mad.  But if I'm honest, I am mostly always mad at Maria.  Ha!