All my bags are packed

Ha, ha, I mean the bags under my eyes, good God! I told Mike, I always have this idea of how I look in my head and then I see pictures and it's all blown to hell. Oh well, I suppose my vanity is less important than having some pictures of me with these kids. Especially this big baby, who crawled up into my lap today and snuggled under the blanket I had on my legs. Isn't he something? He is having a rough morning, I hate to say, but it's true.

He's been sleeping in on the weekends which was great, because it gave him a chance to catch up from the week but no more! He was up before 7:00 today and Laura, who babysat last night, said he was quiet around 10:00, so that's not great. It's also not terrible, I try to be mindful of the fact that there are other kids his age with autism (and NOT with autism) who sleep less than that. But he got so, so mad this morning, his tantrum lasted 22 minutes, which feels long as hell, trust me. He is doing better now.

We ordered his iPad today, I am so excited. We should have it in a few weeks.

So - there you have it, that's what Saturday looks like around here. It's not pretty, but I have to record it. Ha!

What Does Autism Look Like?

I read this blog entry today and I think it's interesting.  Does it make it easier for kids with Autism that you can't really see that they are not typical?  I remember at Anthony's first case conference at his school, the one where they diagnosed him with Autism, one of the people on the committee or whatever, said to me "he's so beautiful.  I bet that makes it hard, when he acts out and people think he's just being 'bad''.  It was the first time I thought about it, but I think it does make it hard.

I was reading this thing the other day on some mom's board about toilet training.  Some woman said that she and her husband were *laughing* at this mom and her child, who was "about three" in the woman's estimation, and the mom was changing the kid's diaper.  The poster couldn't BELIEVE someone was three and not toilet trained!  I was so mad at this person, I mean, all I could think is I wonder what she would think of me if she saw me changing Anthony's diaper, or if she saw his diaper peeking out from his jeans.  And then I thought well, if she and her husband laughed at him and I saw it, I'd have to kill them and then I'd go to jail and then maybe finally I could get some rest.  Ha!  Kidding!  But really, I mean, who do you think you are?, I want to say.  How can you judge people like that?

I am a judger, by nature, but I have really tried to curb it.  Even before Anthony was diagnosed, even when he was just little and crazy, I was so appreciative when people wouldn't stare at us or worse, say something.  I remember one time at Target, he was flipping out and I sat down on a bench so I could nurse him and some cracker ass woman walking by said, "Ewwww!" to her daughter.  And I mean, I wasn't doing it because I LOVED exposing my boobs to the Target and everyone in it!  I was trying calm my crazy baby!

Anyways, no I do not think it makes it easier that Anthony is gorgeous and looks 'normal', whatever that is.  I suppose it might seem that way, but the thing is, he could have horns sticking out of his head and he'd still be perfect and gorgeous to me.  I think that the 'well-meaning' grandmother referred to in the story isn't thinking it through - of course your children are perfect looking, to you.  And if you don't care what other people think about how your kids look (and why would you?), then no it doesn't make it easier that Anthony isn't in a wheelchair, or his eyes aren't crossed, or whatever.  I do think Anthony and my other kids are super cute but I could be wrong, I suppose.  I am blinded by love.  p.s. I do not think I am wrong.  Look at him!

What's New

Well, Mom, in answer to your question, we are having the fence installed next Friday.  I'm SUPER excited, in my imagination, I picture the weather getting good that day and just staying good ... forever.  We got a six foot privacy fence, with a gate going to the back deck and door and another gate on the other side of the house, actually a double gate, so it can fit the riding lawn mower.  We got our fence from Amerifence and I have been really impressed so far.  I got three quotes from three different places and the guy who we worked with from Amerifence was beyond nice and professional.  I told him that we had to get a privacy fence because my son had autism and I was concerned about him climbing a chain link fence - or maybe attempting to climb a chain link fence.  As soon as I said that, he just started looking for ways to make it easier on us and I - I can't tell you what it means to me, for someone to just be nice and decent and kind, especially when it comes to Anthony.  You hear so many stories about TERRIBLE things happening to kids with autism, being bullied, misunderstood, not given the things they need in school, being restrained or hurt, on and on and it can be so depressing.  I'm telling you, this guy is lucky I didn't break down CRYING or HUG him or something when he was so nice.  So.  That's new, the fence.

Also, I don't know how much anyone cares about this, but the new iPads are here, the new iPads are here!  This means that the new (supercool) iPads are the same price as it used to be for the now old ones.  SO we can either get an old one, and maybe use the money on more apps for Anthony, or we could just go ahead and get the new one and then he'll have the newest.  It's really thin, it's thinner than Mike's iPhone and that's thin, baby.  We're going to order it this week and we're already working with some of his therapists on it.  Here's a good article on the success one boy found with the iPad and I don't want to get my hopes up, ever, but I just wish that it would be a positive thing for us, however that is.

Also, Anthony is swimming away, we'll go tomorrow night again. I forget if I said but he's signing up for another session.  We can just keep going from now until doomsday and I think we're going to.  I can see him making progress every week.

His hair is getting SUPER awesome.  All three of our kids have cowlicks in the back of their hair and they make the problem worse by rubbing the back of their heads on their carseats, or wherever they're sitting.  So we have been struggling with knots in all their hair.  Anthony hates to have his hair combed or brushed, BUT I bought a new shampoo and a good comb and it seems like I can get it under control.  I hate to have to cut it - both because we HATE to have to cut it and make him so miserable, even if it's just for a little while, and also because look at it!  Coolest hair ever!  Number One Hair!  :)

Books

Anthony's old therapist Pam told me at Christmas time that he liked these Search and Find books.  At his school, they have a GIANT one, it must be 2 by 3 feet!  I tried to find him some for Christmas, my sister found these big ones at Home Shopping Network but they are not board books, so there has been some ripping.  I have taped the HECK out of them by this point.

So.  Enter my brother Larry and his family.  They gave the kids Barnes & Noble gift cards for Christmas and yesterday I took Anthony on a little outing, just the two of us, and we bought some new books.  I bought books like these, mostly.  I bought one about People, Places, and Things, one about Places to Go, and ... another one. For the girls, I bought an Elmo one (Veronica) and a Princess one (Maria).  I figure they'll all like the seek and find-ness of it.  Anthony really seems to like them.  His favorite animal is the pig and he loves when I make a pig sound right in his ear.  Unfortunately, I have a bad cold right now and it sort of makes me sick to do it, but I have to persist, he loves it so.

Last night, he was super tired and he got *very* upset before he fell asleep kind of early, I guess around 8:30 or so.  Mike and I went to bed early because we figured he'd be up early.  Veronica woke up at 3:20, though, and we let her cry for a while but we were worried she'd wake up Anthony so I got her for an hour or so and then Anthony DID wake up around 4:00.  Meanwhile, Veronica was up until like 4:45 or something and went back to bed, but Anthony never did.  It's an insane asylum around here, sleep-wise.  Otherwise, too, actually, ha!

Hair Don't

Isn't he so cute?  His hair was like that the other day when I went in to get him and I called Mike up to look - I couldn't believe it, it looked like a tornado was in it or something.  He kills me with how cute he is.  He had an okay week, even though he had a stupid SNOW DAY yesterday.  It's crazy - we were up at 5:00 and we saw that the school system that his school goes by had a delay, which made us happy because that means he'd have regular school.  Then at 7:00 Mike saw it was a delay and then at like 7:30 they had changed it to them being closed.  What in the hell?  I would think by then some people may have already left to go to school.  And OF COURSE, everything was FINE by 9:30 or whatever.  Here's the thing - it was snowing and there was some wind.  But my LORD - it's winter!  It's Indiana!  What are we to expect?  And I know that his school has to go by some school system or another but it seems SO stupid that we have to be closed just because a certain school district is afraid of their richie-rich students and parents being upset because the little darlings might get some SNOW on them.  Veronica's therapist lives there and she said that normally the town plows all the side streets but that they hadn't gotten to them when she left for our appointment (8:30).  And I feel for them but BOO HOO, they never TOUCH the side streets in Indianapolis!  I think there are like 10 major roads that they plow and that's it!  Suck it up, suburbanites!  

Mike had to stay home from work because I had Veronica's speech therapy and then I had to take Maria to ballet and I just don't know how I'd do it with Anthony, too.  The funny thing is, Anthony is really not the problem but I can't beat Maria down during Veronica's therapy and watch Anthony and I can't watch Anthony while Veronica exits the damned building every two seconds while Maria takes ballet.  Also, Anthony's tantrums are back with a vengeance and it would be hard for me to control him and the other two if he were to get upset.  So.  Mike stayed home and we are lucky he's able to, I don't know what I would have done otherwise. It makes me wonder what do other people do.  What do single parents of autistic kids do?  Ugh.  

Anyways.  So his tantrums are back and that stinks but we had that excellent week where he was sleeping and never having meltdowns and that still happened. Like I think of it when he's yelling now, how sweet it was when he was happy.  I know it's possible now and it will be possible again, I just have to wait.  

One of his therapists told me this week that they have figured out what his problem is - I mean, why he gets upset, and that it is jealousy, straight up!  She was training a new therapist who is going to work in the new facility, and she said every time she took her attention off Anthony to tell this other therapist something, Anthony would get mad.  It is reassuring to me, because that's what we find at home, too.  He mostly gets upset when he is left alone, when we are doing something with the girls.  BUT lots of times we try and do stuff with him and HE leaves.  So it's a conundrum, still, but it's nice to have some information.  As my sister says, it's fun to be fooled, but it's better to know.  

He is still enjoying swimming, I think he really looks forward to it and is glad to be here.  We filed our taxes and we're going to get him an iPad when we get our money back.  Maybe some day it will be above 50 degrees again and we can go outside more and all be happier.  Oh, we did go for a walk yesterday, just Anthony and me.  We went down the sidewalk a ways and then turned around and we came back and he turned right into our driveway and headed up it.  It made me happy, to know that he knows where to turn.  I know that might seem dumb but ... well anyways I am glad.  

With Amy

We have certainly had some bumps in the road with home therapy, but overall it's been going pretty good. The only reason it goes well when it goes well is because of Amy. By the time she and Anthony get here now, Veronica has had speech therapy and then Maria has ballet and both are difficult because I am trying to corral the person who is not the center of those activities and I am pretty cooked by the time they get home. But Amy plugs away with Anthony and she deals VERY well with Maria and Veronica and we just get through the afternoon. Yesterday they played outside a lot and then Amy and Anthony took a short walk, and it was a great success. It's successful for Anthony and the girls, and also for me, because it's nice to have someone to talk to!

Friday

Anthony had a good week, we are just skating along on our new schedule of sleeping well and not having tantrums.  He had swimming last night and he did just great.  I didn't take him last week, so I was really happy to go last night.  We go to the YMCA, and I - actually I think we are just calling it the Y these days but it is amazing.  I can't get over how kind and wonderful everyone is there.  It is in a not-so-great part of town and the one where Maria goes to preschool is in a better part of town but the difference in the way we have been treated is amazing.  At  Anthony's Y, the Aquatics director comes over every week and calls Anthony by name and asks  how he is.  Since we missed the first three weeks, we are just moving right into the next class and we are going to make up the ones we missed at the end.  The teacher is just wonderful with Anthony, the lifeguard is really nice and cheers him on.  When I went to Maria's Y with Anthony, years ago, for a swim class, it was a nightmare.  The indoor class was moved outdoors, it took me hours of hounding the Aquatics director on the phone to get the money back, it was horrible.  They're just not as nice.  Why is this?  Are people nicer in worse parts of town?  Is it a coincidence?  I know not.

ANYWAYS.  Amy came over today, we played outside some and ate some and she and Anthony took a walk.  We are making plans for some super fun outings when the weather gets better.  I'm bullish for the future.

My Sleepy Valentine

Of course he's yawning, he woke up around 3:00 this morning! He is STILL up and it's almost 9:00! What is he made of, what kind of strong stuff? He is doing well, sleeplessness be damned. He has moments where he struggles, but he's doing so, so much better. We all went outside today and he was jumping and spinning, so excited to be out. He is the love of my life, I feel like. Ha, he would actually make a bad boyfriend, I suppose, what with the kicking me in the throat and the worrying me. But I just - no one has ever needed me as much as Anthony and instead of it feeling kind of choking and scary, it feels exactly right. I feel like we are right where we should be, all the time. We went for a walk this weekend and I was saying, remember Anthony? Remember when it used to be just me and you and we'd walk every day? He, of course, didn't answer but I think he hears and understands me. I think he misses it too. :)

Swimming

Mike took him swimming tonight - through a series of early wakings and non nappings, I am exhausted and I didn't want to drive Anthony to swimming, so Mike took him. We should probably trade off anyway, so he's used to going with either of us. Anthony is not a person who is really hung up on routine like that, but we may as well try to avoid it where we can. Plus it's super fun to watch him have such a good time. For some reason, his lesson was only 30 minutes instead of 45 tonight, I'm not sure why, but that's probably enough for him anyway. He had another good day today. I can't even really talk about it, I can't stand to think that we might be free of these tantrums. I mean, not even completely free but just to be given a break like this feels like an unbelievable miracle.

Ooh, he is driving me batty in other ways, though. He takes EVERYTHING out of the silverware drawer. It's ... it's insane, I told Mike tonight, I was thinking of where I could keep all the stuf in the cabinets and drawers but the fact is, I have to keep the stuff that's in there IN THERE. I just hope to keep telling him no and redirecting him and maybe someday he'll get it. Of course, both his sisters do the same thing so several times a day, it feels like, I take everything that's been in every cabinet and drawer and put it back. Maddening. Also, tonight, not to talk to much crap about him, he went upstairs and ran the water in the bathroom sink, that he was SITTING in, and the water ran everywhere, quite a bit of it. It took about 12 towels to clean it up. Sheesh. I try to think of it as an adventure and a lesson but man. It's tiring.

Big Day

Last night, as I was going to bed, it dawned on me that Anthony hadn't had a tantrum all day.  I have this new plan with his tantrums, which is to completely ignore them until they're over and then when they're over, offer Anthony a treat and tell him how glad I am that he feels better.  I also have been talking a LOT more to him, just in case he is worried that we won't take care of him or something, I tell him all the time that we ARE here for him and that we LOVE him and that we will ALWAYS take care of him.  So maybe it's a combination of those things, or maybe it's for no reason at all.

Either way, I don't care, I just want to go on record that yesterday he didn't have any tantrums at all.  This morning he woke up at 4:00 and was miserable at 5:00 when he was dirty and we had to put him in the damne bathtub but I don't care.  He had a completely good day for the first time in many months and I'm thrilled about it.

Mad

Sometimes he gets really mad, Veronica was all up in his grill and he didn't like it. He had a pretty good day yesterday, he had a few near-misses where I thought he was going to have a tantrum and he didn't. Last night one of his old and most favorite therapists came over to babysit and they got to spend some time together after the girls went to bed, so that was nice, too. It was snowing before, but we're not supposed to get much, so I am assuming he'll have school tomorrow. He was off Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I could see Tuesday and I suppose Wednesday but by Thursday it was really ridiculous. His school goes by the Carmel school schedule, which is fine, but I wish they could be a little more flexible about it. Like, I suppose Carmel didn't have school all those days because the CHILDREN would have to STAND in the ICE at their BUS STOP and oh noes! we can't have that, which is fine by me. But Anthony doesn't take the bus, it just seemed ridiculous for them to miss all those days. I mean - this ice is not going to melt for the forseeable future, so it seems to me that these cities should make some sort of contingency plan. Anyway. He was home all week and he did very well, considering everything.

Imp

Table

Yes, he's standing on the table. He is going crazy, poor baby, without a schedule. He's been home for two days and last night Mike and I went up to him and changed his diaper and laid him down. I said, look, you can't go to school tomorrow, why not just go to bed soon and get a good night's rest?
And he did! He was asleep around 9:30 and slept until like 8:00 this morning. He is well-rested but sad, today, I'd say, which beats tired and sad, I guess.

Happy

This is also off Mike's phone, you can tell Anthony likes him too. It's hard, because Anthony isn't always ... well, he's always affectionate but he's sometimes kind of disconnected from it, and sometimes with me, he is a downright user! Like he is hugging me but he is only in it for the skin-on-skin contact. But we know he loves us, so it's not an issue of that. I just hope that he is happier than he seems, sometimes. I wonder - I worry and worry about these tantrums, and when one will hit and I dread it and I wonder, does he worry about it too? Does it hit him out of nowhere or does it scare him? It freaks me out too much to think about it. So here's a happy go lucky picture of our happy boy. We'll just go with that.

Red Hat

Ha, he's a red hat! Mike said he just put this on yesterday and was playing around while wearing it. He's so cute in it, right? He's so gorgeous, to me. The lady at the Y the other night kept saying, "he's so good looking!" and I think she was sincere. This poor baby, Mike was saying, his little baby teeth are getting ground down to nubs. They still look like teeth but they are smaller, it's so weird. I am hoping and praying he can move on from teeth grinding once he has his permanent teeth.

Well, it's Sunday. Laura babysat last night and although he had a rough start, she said he was asleep by 10:00, which made me cry with relief when I heard it. He was up around 8:00 this morning (three LONG hours after his sister Veronica was up) so hopefully he'll be able to get back on track. We are just going to keep plugging away here and trying to make things better. We're going to get an iPad with our tax money and we're going to get a dog, maybe, and we're just going to figure it out. Probably.

Beautiful Boy

It's so hard - I took these pictures ten minutes ago and now he's in the dining room with Mike, so sad and upset. We had a hard week this week and even though we started swimming on Thursday, it ended up pretty rough. He doesn't go to sleep until so late, and so he's so tired by the end of the week. I am afraid he is getting sick, too, although it's hard to say because his ... well, it's like this: Mike and I were saying, we have stress go right to our stomach and so does Anthony's.

I had a loooong discussion with some people at his school this week and came away very distressed. I do think that they are doing great work with Anthony, but these tantrums are really getting in the way of Anthony's life and success. I mean, they are affecting us all, as a family, but especially him. I just don't think that we are speaking the same language. They recently switched his MWF morning therapist, who is the only therapist who has been with him from the beginning. So Mike and I were sad, because we really liked her and Anthony really liked her and she seemed to be doing very well handling his issues with the tantrums. But the thing is, he can't just work with the same therapist all the time, because the whole idea is that he's successful with everyone, everywhere. So we were fine with it, just sad, especially because of how it's been for us during the last ten months or so.

The problem came when I talked to the scheduling person at his school, and she said how they had to switch Pam off his case, they switch them every four months or so. I made the mistake of having ears and a brain and I said, well, he's been with her since last August, and that's a lot longer than four months and she said since Anthony had been having a hard time when they would have switched they decided not to. And I was like, well, mmm, that doesn't make sense because almost FOUR four month periods have gone by and Anthony is still having a hard time so why now? (And I'll tell you why, to save us all some time - because it was most convenient for THEM to switch her at this time.). And if the girl had just said that, I would have been FINE with all of it, but of course people are so full of b.s. that she had to go on and on about how they were doing THIS and THAT and the OTHER thing, and she got all circular and confused with what story she was trying to tell. In my opinion, this is why you should just be forthright and honest in the world. It will make your life a lot easier if you don't have to constantly try to remember what story you're telling. It also will make me not hate you and not want to deal with you anymore.

So anyways, then I get an update from the school that this therapist is moving to the new center and congratulations, and all this. And it's the therapist that replaced Anthony's long-time therapist for MWF mornings. The therapist who looked me in the eye a month ago and said how *excited* she was to work with Anthony and how *great* it was all going to be. She probably said this at the same time that she was filling out her application for her new job, which is something I just don't understand. I guess there is some incredibly fast career track at the school and they have to move therapists up, up, up, before they get bored and take their wares elsewhere. Or whatever. So I was mad and I called the scheduling girl, with whom I am no longer going to deal, because I am always thisclose to losing my mind anyway and I just can't drive myself crazier by dealing with the likes of her. Then I talked to the Executive Director and we got it all straightened out, I guess, but we were on the phone for over an hour, going round and round, both thinking we're right and - just - ugh. They think I'm some sort of crazy bitch, and they've been doing things all this time, I think, doing things just to keep me quiet and not because it's the right thing or because it will help Anthony. And I haven't been asking for crazy things - I've just been saying that THIS is the way Anthony's life is right now and we would appreciate some consistency. Then it turned out that the Director maybe didn't know anything about Anthony's tantrums and I know she doesn't have to but it's so strange, because it's such a giant part of our lives, really running our lives, and I feel like no one cares about helping us END them. It's beyond frustrating, it is downright depressing and it is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I assume Mike too, to just keep soldiering on and asking and begging for help and not being surprised or hurt when someone says, sorry, nope! We have nothing actual for you, but we will keep gathering data on it. And I think, gathering data? It seems like soaking dishes to me. Soaking dishes that do not need to be soaked, but you put them in the sink in water because you don't feel like doing the dishes right then. I know that this is not how it is, necessarily, but it's how it feels.

Anthony was so tired yesterday afternoon, he had a very, very hard time during his home therapy. But then he was up until 11:45, then Veronica was up at 12:30 until 2:00 and then Maria was up before 6:00. I do not know how we are supposed to do all this crap that we have to do to keep everyone safe and (relatively speaking) happy on this little sleep. I just don't know, it's terrifying.

Mike took them to get donuts today, and we all went to Costco, though, and that went fine. He is mad now and probably will stay rough through bedtime and then hopefully, if GOD IS A MERCIFUL GOD, he will just go to sleep kind of early tonight and get back on track. We'll see, though. I'm sure mine is not to reason why and there is some freaking reason that we are going through all this.

So. As is happening a lot lately, this is ending on kind of a bummer. But don't be bummed, think of Thursday night, when Anthony was so happy, in the pool! "Pool!", he said, when we got there. He kicked and tried to drink up all the water, and charmed his teacher and the Aquatics director at the Y. My sister Laura, who deserves a big shout out, came over and watched the girls in the time period where I had to leave to take Anthony to the Y and Mike was coming home from work. She is also babysitting tonight. Anyways, it's fun to do something with just one of all these kids, but for me, especially Anthony. He seems very aware and grateful that it's just us, like it used to be.

Liars

Pictures are liars, he was on the edge of a giant meltdown here and look how cute he looks.

Sweet

Aren't they sweet? I should say, don't they LOOK sweet? Because they are sweet but hoo boy it can also be kind of rough. It's so, so hard, especially on the weekends, with Anthony. I am so tired of being afraid of him and afraid of his tantrums. I of course am never actually afraid of him, but I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid he's going to wake up crying, I'm afraid he's going to have a big tantrum, I'm afraid he's going to get hurt or hurt the girls, I'm afraid it's always going to be like this.

That's the worst of it - I have to just take it one day at a time because otherwise I get NUTS, thinking, how will I control a giant 13 year old, taller than I am, who is flopping around and flailing out and punching me in the throat? We just have to keep trying stuff, keep getting in at him and finding out what ails him.

He is so cute and sweet, most of the time. This morning I went into him and he was sleepy and warm and happy, babbling away. It's so sweet and nice and also kind of ruined, because I can't just enjoy lying there with him, because I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ha, to drop and to kick me in the face.

We start swimming on Thursday. I bought the cutest pair of swim trunks last night, so it should be fine, right?

Swimming

Lately, I have been getting very annoyed that we just can't do anything when the weather is bad.  All during break, we were inside allll day, and then on the weekends and this past Monday for MLK day, it's just been bugging me.  So I called the Y this week and we are going to start Anthony in swimming lessons!  Isn't that exciting?  There is a program called WAVES that the Y has, it's for special needs kids and they start out one on one, which is thrilling.  Anthony is used to one on one and I just don't think he'd thrive, right away anyway, in a class environment.

So on Thursdays, starting this week and going for six more weeks, we're going to go to swimming lessons.  Amy told me that he really enjoyed his swimming outings this summer, so I am bullish about it.  Of course, whenever I am bullish about something with regard to these kids, it ends up backfiring horribly, but I'm sick of being so jinxy and worried all the time.  So of we'll go.  Parents aren't *allowed* in the pool, which thrills me NO END, but it makes me all nerves too.  I'll keep you posted!

I thought I talked about the Dog Thing

... but I guess maybe I didn't?  I'm not what you would call a dog person and I am definitely not what you'd call a person that wants to take on any more work.  But a few months ago, a friend of mine wrote to me from Florida and she said that her neighbor's grandson had autism and that he had just gotten a dog.  She said the kid used to be a real 'bolter' and that the dog had really curbed (ha!  see what I did there?) the kids' bolting.  She said that the family told her that it had changed their lives.  Then I read a little bit about it on the internet and I kept seeing that phrase, that getting a therapy dog 'changed their lives'.  I thought, hey! our lives need changing!  Because our lives suck!  Ha, not really, but you know what I mean.

So I started looking into it, I wrote about it on twitter and several people responded with information and I started to look into it.  Then I went to a Christmas party at my friend Kathi's house and I was just talking about it and Kathi's cousin Evelyn said SHE was on the board of the Indiana Canine Assistance Network.  She said the greatest things about it and she said that it was much cheaper through this program than any other.  She kept saying it was a 'nominal fee'.  So I read about it the next day and saw that there was, indeed, a nominal fee of $25 to apply and then it was a not-so-nominal fee of $950 to get the dog.  I was shocked, as that seems like a lot of money, to me.  THEN I looked at some national programs and found out that it was like $15,000 for a therapy dog through them and I thought hey!  This is why $950 seems so nominal, it's *by comparison*.  So.   We had some trouble getting info at first, because I sent an email to get some information as to what exact kind of service dog we'd apply for, and of course I didn't hear from the person.  I prefer to email, always, but lots of people want to talk on the damned phone.  Since it's hard for me to talk on the phone, because of a whole host of reasons (our home phone sucks, our cell phones get bad reception in the house and in 90 percent of the city, AT&T sucks), I begrudgingly called this week and talked to a wonderful person who sent me the exact form we needed.  So.  We are on our way.  I am saving my lunch money and we're going to do this, as long as it works out okay for Anthony.  It's a very slow and gradual process, they want to be sure it's a good fit, as of course we do, so we'll just see.

Friday!

We are about to have home therapy for the first time in several weeks, because of break and then Amy was sick.  But she's better and break's over and hopefully we'll have some fun today.

My sister Laura babysat last night, which was a fun surprise.  She came over after I got Anthony, to bring Maria her birthday present (an excellent Dora doll) and I mentioned I had to go to Target, so she said if Mike wanted to go she would stay at our house.  So that was fun, we went to Target TOGETHER and we went out and Mike ate dinner and I drank wine and it was fun.  Laura called while I was out and said Anthony was making a lot of noise and she went up and he was naked!  So she got him dressed again, but she said she was calling to say he'd probably be naked when we got home.  We got home about an hour later, because really?  Who cares?  It was about 11:15 or so and he was, in fact, naked, and lying down on the chair/bed I got him.  It was hilarious, to see that sweet cute bottom sticking up on that Toy Story chair.  We rolled him over to his bed, (I should say his mattress, he's been tearing them apart) and threw a diaper on him and covered him up and he stayed asleep.  He was crying this morning around 6:30 but I think he had gotten out from under his blanket and he was cold.  I laid down with him and sang to him and rubbed his back and he went back to sleep for a while.  He's so tired anymore.  Every morning we tell him, you wouldn't feel like this if you'd just get some rest at night, but he either doesn't understand or doesn't care.

I was telling a friend this morning, between this therapy dog and the iPad, Anthony is becoming an expensive person to have!  These kids have been pretty cheap so far, though, so I'm not worried.  They were mostly breastfed, they wear hand-me-downs, etc.  I'm excited that something might help Anthony feel better.  He had some WHOPPER tantrums yesterday and I find it very difficult to keep up with them.  I am so hopeful that something will work - something has to work and I figure it's up to me, as his mother, to figure out what.

That stupid fake doctor in England who said that the MMR vaccine was responsible for bowel problems and autism was proven this week to be - not just a fake - but a fraudulent, money grubbing bastard.  I feel bad for people who believed him and based their whole view of autism on this one fact.  It is incredibly hard to not know what made your child have autism, the medical community DOESN'T do very much but ... I think that's because it's not really a medical condition.  That sucks but that's the truth of it.  It's a communication disorder, a delay, and we have to treat it as such.  I can't treat Anthony's autism with medicine, because it's not a medical problem.  He doesn't sleep well but I can't medicate him, I can't drug him, because he is just a little boy.  I mean, he could probably stand to relax a little bit but I'm not going to give him a glass of wine or something!

Today is Delurking Day in Blogdom, where if you are a LURKER, that is, someone who reads this blog but never posts, you should make a comment.  I've relaxed the rules on the blog so that anyone can comment, so please, feel free to leave one.  I have a site meter on the blog and I know many people look at it every day, so let's hear it!

iPad

So we are going to get Anthony an iPad.  I have heard a lot about how great iPads are for kids with autism, but I figured Anthony was too young.  Then my friend Susannah told me about a friend of hers, whose daughter is like TWO, and she has one.  I read this woman's blog about her daughter, Maya, and specifically about the iPad.  I got so excited when I saw the video that she made, and I thought we could do it too!  What the hell?  Why not? Anthony is almost six, so maybe he's not too young!

I talked to two of Anthony's therapists about it and they seemed really excited and on board, which is wonderful.  I have been advised to wait until April, because of how it all works at Apple, and so I think we are going to take some tax return money and get Anthony an iPad.  !!!  I'm going to check out some of the apps on my phone and hopefully learn some about it before we start.  When I think of the possibilities - that maybe Anthony could start communicating better and in a way that makes him happier - I want to plop down on the floor and cry.

With Mike

He climbed right up in Mike's lap, to eat his peaches that way. SUPER cute.

Counter

He has been going crazy with hunger when we get home. I asked his therapists if they could maybe give him a snack a little later in the day because it's bonky bonk, trying to endlessly feed him and deal with the girls, and get dinner together. He opens that damned corner roundabout cabinet and climbs up to get at the food, but then it's stuff he needs help with. He loves peaches, raisins, goldfish, frosted wheat cereal, and saltines. He ate all of those, times one million, this afternoon. He had a good day today even though he didn't have either of his regular therapists. Everyone is sick, there is definitely something going around. I will give my right arm in sacrifice if he doesn't get it.

I'm So Glad You Found Me In Here

I'm reading this book and it's incredible.  It's incredible how much it makes me cry, honestly.  It's written by a mother and son and the son has autism.  He's 28 and just graduated from college, he doesn't speak but he uses a communication device, which is basically typing.

It's killing me - the first thing he typed, after his name (he was 11 years old at the time) was "I love you", to his mother.  And I thought - let's get Anthony a typewriter!  Ha!  Seriously, it thrills me to think that Anthony loves me.  I mean, I know he loves me, but I have to say, it would be nice to hear it or see it written down.  Maria says "I love you too, Mommy" a lot and it goes a long way!

It makes me so hopeful and has really renewed my faith at this VERY annoying and difficult time in our lives.  Anthony can do anything.  It's true - how it is now is not how it's going to be.  Now matter how bad it FEELS.

Better Days

Good God, is he cute or what? These are better days because a) he seems happy and now he is howling away upstairs as I type and b) he is clearly eating grilled cheese and fries here, something he no longer does. Anthony hasn't been sleeping well, I curse that damned break, I feel like he'll never recover from it. I keep thinking it will get better. But lately I think I am sort of living the kind of life that I always thought people with profoundly autistic kids lived. Like I think of this tv movie with Brooke Shields and it was about some kid with autism and she was helping him, but she did this crazy "hugging therapy" that everyone said would never work and then it did! Anyway, everyone in that movie was pretty miserable and the kid was just, like not even there or something. It's not always like that, but more and more, it seems. Or maybe we are just tired.

Year End Meme

I would have sworn I did this for Anthony last year but I can't find it.  So anyway, here goes for 2010:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Turned five.  Completed a full year at his school.  Move to a new house.   Went to a movie in a movie theater!  Met a walrus!  

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't remember what I said last year.  So let's say he kept them from last year.  I think he should resolve to not have any more tantrums in 2011.  Wouldn't that be nice?  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, at least Anthony's mother didn't give birth for the first time in two years!  He's probably relieved!  


4. Did anyone close to you die? I guess no. 

5. What places did you visit? Oh jeez, I don't think we went anywhere out of town, but we did go to Mike's mom's for Thanksgiving and Anthony went on those community outings from school - the State Fair, the Museum, 

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?  As usual, we would like Anthony to communicate better with us and with his therapists.  We have to try to find another way to do this.  He is better this year than last year, he does have spontaneous speech.  But obviously, it's not enough for him because he must be mad about something!  

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I don't know the date, but we went to the zoo and met the walrus this summer and that was amazing.  Anthony's last day with his therapist Heather was in April and that was significant but probably just to me and her, because we miss her!  Anthony got out from the yard in June and that was terrible.  

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year? Oh, he has daily victories.  He went to a movie, he touched that walrus, he is so patient and good with the girls.  

9. What was your biggest failure? It's not a failure but I wish these tantrums could stop.  

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Jeez, I don't think he's been sick at all.  He may have had a fever once this year.  

11. What was the best thing you bought? His therapy?  We started with a new occupational therapist this year and I'm happy he's back into that regularly, although his OT is not much of a communicator (irony) so I am not sure how he's doing.  She has a lot of experience, so I am assuming all is well and that she's just not much of a people person (irony).  

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Anthony.  I know he is trying so hard, I feel bad to even complain about these tantrums.  Nobody would want to feel like that.  He is a hard working boy and I want to celebrate that every day.  

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Speaking as an autism person, I am appalled at people who hurt their children, or God forbid kill them, because they have autism. I am appalled more than ever when people are cruel to children. 

14. Where did most of your money go? Co-pays, as usj.  We bought him a chair/bed for his room but he seems uninterested in it.  We have had to buy a lot of sleepers, if you know what I mean.  

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Anthony loves to succeed, just like everyone else.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? Amy, who drives him home for home therapy on Friday, says he likes the Glee Soundtrack.  

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. 
c) richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish he would talk more.  I wish he would be happy and content.  

20. How did you spend Christmas last year? Last year?  This year?  Last week on Christmas, we had my family here, including my brother John, who we haven't seen for a while.  The day after Christmas, Mike's family came up here.  


21. Did you fall in love in 2010?  I hope he's in love with all of us.  

22. How many one-night stands? He only stayed with us, so none!  

23. What was your favorite TV program? He is not into tv anymore, but he does sometimes like the Doodlebops, Signing Time and The Wiggles.  He likes on the Wiggles when they speed up the film.  

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2010?  I don't know.  I assume we had cake?  We don't go in for big parties anymore.  He did get a card signed by everyone at his school.  

25. What was the best book you read? I just got him two BIG books for Christmas, and I hope he likes that one.  His therapist Pam told me he likes one like it at school.   

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Glee?  Maybe?  He and his father have that in common, ha!  

27. What did you want and get? I don't know what Anthony wants, but I don't think he's gotten it yet.  

28. What did you want and not get? He wants more Oreos than we give him.  He wants to be left alone but we are always bugging him.  

29. What was your favorite film of this year? He saw Toy Story 3 in the theater!  

30. Did you make some new friends this year? Anthony has a friend that he plays with at school, apparently he is about Anthony's age and also pretty non verbal.  

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? We'd all be more satisfied if Anthony were happier and less tantrum-y.  

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? He's so cute, he wears jeans and camo pants and long sleeved tshirts.  He wears a belt here lately.  

33. What kept you sane? School, I bet.  His long time therapists, Pam and Amy.  

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None, I guess.  

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I have been thinking about prenatal testing and eradicating disorders by eradicating the people who might have these disorders before they're born.  It's so gross how now they want every pregnant woman to have prenatal testing, when it used to just be for people over 35.  Then they do the 'test', which is really just checking of data, and then they say, you are this percent likely to have this problem.  THEN they do an amnio (risky) and then if the baby shows up, say, with Down Syndrome, they talk to you about what life is like with a child with Down Syndrome.  A few weeks ago, there was a big hubbub about a card for sale at etsy.com.  It showed a child with Down Syndrome in a ... bad light, I guess.  Lots of people wanted it taken down and lots of people (jerks) thought if it was offensive to you, you just shouldn't buy it.  But the thing is - when you make fun of people for having something like Down Syndrome, when you use them for your amusement, you are sort of separating them from human beings.  There are going to be less and less people with Down Syndrome in our lifetime, because people are just going to abort their babies when they find out that they have it.  I can't imagine this is going to ADD to advocate services for people with DS, and it's unnerving.  If they start doing prenatal testing for someone who may or may not have autism, are we going to start aborting them, too?  Now it's like 1 in 110 or whatever and it's barely a BLIP on the RADAR of us, as a country, so what is going to happen when people think we can start to ERASE autism by erasing PEOPLE with autism?  This is why I am not too into "recovering from autism" or calling it a "diabolical nightmare of a disorder" or whatever.  My son has it.  He is not diabolical.  He is a human being and he has worth as such and it drives me BONKS when anyone threatens that.  But this is Anthony's meme, so I guess I won't say anymore.  :)  

36. Who did you miss? I think he misses my parents when they are in Florida.  

37. Who was the best new person you met?  We are all madly in love with Amy, Anthony's therapist.  They started in April.  

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.  I tell Anthony all the time, this is not how it's going to be.  This is how it is right now.  It will get better.  It will!  

Weather

We have had some warm weather today, so the snow (mostly) melted and we got to go outside. But except for our outing, it has been a pretty crappy day. Anthony slept in and then starting whining and having a tantrum and has barely stopped at all. I don't even know what to say about it anymore. He has a cold, and a runny nose, so maybe that's bothering him? It's very hard to say. It's impossible for Anthony to say.

The other day I put some tights on Maria. She wanted to wear a dress and it was freezing out, so I put these tights on her and her boots and she went somewhere with Mike. She came home and wanted the boots off and then she was shoving her foot at me, too, but I told her she should keep the tights on. She said, showing me her tights were gathered at her toe, "my tights are wiggly". So I fixed them and we moved on. I felt so bad, thinking about it later. Here's Maria, not three years old, and she knows that she doesn't even have to say the right word, exactly, to get her needs met. Her tights weren't really 'wiggly', but I knew what she meant, with the visual, and I could fix it. Hell, she could have probably fixed it if she wanted to.

Mike and I spend all day and night guessing what is wrong with Anthony, exactly what bug has crawled up his ass now. SOMEtimes it works, but it never works for long. It's so frustrating to not be able to help him and it sort of adds insult to injury when you get, like, kicked in the throat or punched for your trouble. I do not understand what I am supposed to be doing for him.

His school is closed on MLK day this year. The director wrote an email and said that they were going to have staff training that day. Because they are open so much, and the kids are always there, the staff has to go to training on the weekends a lot, so this seems like the best solution, she said, and I can see that. But she said that since a lot of schools are closed, many families keep their children home anyway and I think who? Who does that? Because it is hell on earth when Anthony is home and not in school and I just - I guess other people have very different lives, even families who have kids with autism. It sucks and I hate it. I hate being so worried about what we are going to do with him for the week. We can't take him to the museum or anywhere because EVERYONE is off from school and it's hard for us to handle the crowd with him. It feels very upside down, here lately. I am just glad that Mike is off on MLK day too so that it won't be just me with the three of them. I know that is a terrible way to feel and I wish I didn't, but there it is.

Anyway, nice pictures, right? He really was happy to get outside. We're going to try to go for a walk tomorrow. We'll just keep trying and trying until it gets better or we are worn down to nubs and we all have to go live in a home somewhere.

Hint

He just has a hint of a smile here, he can be a real stingy SOB with the smiles. We are on Day 2 of his week off and so far, it's rough! He wakes up rough and goes to sleep rough and we just try to have some happiness/contentment in between. I am trying to work with him on some school stuff, but it can be challenging. I try and remind myself that when he starts having a tantrum, it won't last forever, but since it feels like it, it's hard to remember.

Post 1400!

That's a lot of posts, right?  It doesn't feel like a post over 1300, ha!

So, it's Christmas Eve and the girls are sleeping and Anthony is in the living room with Mike.  He just pulled the (damned) tree down again and I for one cannot WAIT until I can take that tree down.  Now he just came in and he is pulling me away!

He just wanted to do the alphabet - where I sign it and he says it.  Then I signed one through ten and he says that, too.  He is such a funny duck.  What is he thinking?  What is going on with him?

Last year I said that by THIS year I hoped he could say "Merry Christmas!" and yesterday when I went to pick him up at school, he was going around with his newest therapist, Lindsey, and saying it to everyone.  He wasn't saying it spontaneously and God knows he probably doesn't really get what it is, but I hoped he could say it and he's saying it.  So.  Good for Anthony!

He took off two seconds after she sat down, ha!

String

He's putting the string from the blinds in his mouth, here, isn't he funny? Amy said he had a hard time this afternoon and that he seemed hungry so I got him a shake on the way home. I don't know, he definitely seems hungry but he also seems to like having something in his mouth. I wish I could get him to chew gum better! That's a weird thing to want, but it seems like it would help him. Maria is driving us mad this afternoon, she wants to dance with Anthony allll the time, she insists on twirling around, too!

He is off from school starting Friday through the new year. God help us, I hope he does okay on the break. They sent home some stuff to work on from school, hopefully we'll be able to fill his time. I get a little depressed reading about people's traditions that they are making for Christmas. We don't have any traditions, really, except Try Not To Lose Our Minds, which is really a year-round thing.

Field Trip

Anthony is off on a community outing today, as they call it at his school.  He's going to our children's museum, it's really fun, especially at the holidays, as they have a giant Yule Slide and I know he'll love it.

He woke up so grumpy and sad this morning but his blanket had fallen off in the night and I think that was the problem.  Mike and I covered him up and I rubbed his sweet head for a while and he fell back to sleep for just about 30 minutes but it seemed to help his mood.

Last night I was at Costco and I saw this mom with two boys.  One, who was walking next to her, was maybe 10 and then the other one, who seemed older, was riding in the cart part of the cart, sort of tapping his fingers.  I thought he probably had autism, Anthony rides in the same place in the cart (he doesn't like to ride backwards) and - well, I just thought he had autism.  I wanted to speak to her, to say "how's it going?" or something but you just can't do that.  FIRST of all, if her kid didn't have autism I think it might be offensive if I asked if he did.  And secondly, you just can't talk to people like that, or at least I can't.  Maybe it's the NJ in me.  It wouldn't bother ME if someone asked me, but I guess I figure not everyone is as nice as I am.  Ha!

I was thinking maybe I'll start making tshirts.  I saw a funny shirt recently that said "Birth Control is for Sissies!", which I thought was funny and I also thought it certainly made the person's feelings on the subject known.  But can I do that?  Should I make a shirt that says "Ask me about my autistic son!"?  Lame.  I wish I could a) know the future and b) read people's minds and c) know the future.

Edited to add, of course they make Autism Mom tshirts.  I like the "Got Autism?" one.  Ha!  That is not a hint, I don't really like tshirts with messages, in practice, just in theory.  

One Year Ago Today

Anthony is home from school today, which is SUCH a disappointment, since yesterday might have been one of the worst days we've had, ever? Maybe not ever. Maybe in a long time. It started at 5:00 with a tantrum that was - I don't know the words for them anymore. Horrible. Really bad. Exhausting. SOUL SUCKING. It makes me feel like a different person, to see him in such torment. It makes me mad at him and mad at me and mad at everyone and everything. Everything I was trying wasn't working so I left him with Mike and Mike took care of him until he felt better. But he was at a low-level of danger all day. Anything will set him off when he is like that and lucky (sarcasm) for us, we have Maria, who shouts BOO! every time she comes in a room, or screams or squeals or is in general tough to be around if you are in a bad mood. So. Rough day. And here we are, just WAITING for Monday, and now there is no school, for Anthony or Maria. Anthony doesn't really know or care, but Maria screamed and cried for a long time when we told her that she wasn't going to school today. Hoo boy.

Last night he was so, so tired, and he fell asleep early. Veronica has been having some trouble sleeping all night so we left her to figure it out on her own last night and she howled it up pretty good from 1:00 to .... sometime, we both fell asleep, but we were so worried she'd wake up Anthony. She didn't, though.

I met several of my neighbors yesterday, I went to a cookie exchange which was really fun. I met two other moms of kids with autism, and I learned that there are a few other families in the hood that have kids with autism. But I feel like we are always the autism-iest. One of the moms had a son who was 12, he was mainstreamed in school, he always talked, etc. The other mom's son was 30 and married. It always feels like I'm going to have something in common with people and then .. not so much, really.

I have to say, Anthony is doing great this morning. I am trying to set up some sensory fun activities for him and maybe it's helping, I don't know. Or maybe it's just luck or maybe he's well-rested or maybe he's about to blow! It's a mystery! When he's happy, he's so content and cute and perfect and then when he gets so upset, it's just - well, like I say, there aren't good words for it. But if there were words for it, I'd scream them at the top of my lungs, and pound the ground with my fists.

I haven't been posting much, but it's because these other kids of mine are SUCH a pain. I can't do anything without some jerkstore or other grabbing my damned hand and pulling it away. Veronica's climbing is epic. She is sitting on the table next to me right now and it's a race - will I finish typing first or will she fall to the ground? I'll tell you in the next installment, ha!

Friday

He's had a long week. He has been staying up super late and then he has to get up early for school and it's killing him. Last night he finally fell asleep around 9:30 and slept all night, but he still seems tired today. He has had a good week at school, it was his first full week there in a long time. He had his first home therapy day here today, I mean, his first at our new house. He seems to be settling in well, I bought him a chair for his room, because it seems so big! I'm hoping to get him some more pillows for him to bounce around in there. Don't tell him but we got him a Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head for Christmas. :)

Sweet November

Well it's over and I posted almost every day.
I'm glad it's over but I'm glad I did it too. We moved today and Anthony is up in his bigger room, knocking around. He could not fall asleep past night, I went in at 12:30 and lay down with him til he slept. I haven't seen him fall asleep in a long time, it feels like. He was as sweet as can be, just like I remember.

Last Monday

I am a big counter-downer, so this "last" this and "last" that really appeals to me.  I was thinking this morning of this house and how much I loved it when my sister and I had it built.  There was just the two of us, and we really knocked around in here, we had plenty of room!   We had a lot of fun here, as I recall.  It seems like a long time ago!  When Mike and I moved in, we painted all the rooms, which helped make it feel like ours, a little bit.  I painted Anthony's room last, I was home on spring break my last year at work.

When I started staying home with Anthony, and he was so cranky and fussy, I hated this house.  It was SO noisy.  Every floorboard made noise, it seemed.  I couldn't BELIEVE all that went on here during the day, it seemed like every time I turned around someone was building something or knocking something down, all of it so noisy.

But now I really feel like we will miss it.  What will he understand about it, I wonder?  I'll be glad to not have a basement anymore, because I am sick of having them be on three different floors at once, but will he miss it?  Will he be mad?  We'll see, I guess.  This is by far the craziest thing that has ever happened to us.  I may have to post tomorrow from my phone, I'm sure I will, but I'll have practically completed the 30 days for November.  I'm glad I did it this month, last year I did it and it was very depressing and even though things are kind of crappy for the most part, it was better this year.  Maybe by next year it will be downright cheery!

Sunday

I took no pictures today, we just packed and packed. Tomorrow will be our last night in this house, that's crazy, right? Anthony has been just fine today, well, the same as always. He is really enjoying the dropping movement that I'm doing with him. I assume if he keeps liking it, you'll soon be able to bounce a quarter of my ass, so there's that. Sunny side!

Saturday

Ugh, I was going to say that it was Sunday. These long weekends are KILLING me. Maria kept saying today, "I go see teacher TOMORROW?". They are all off their schedule. Anyways, here is Anthony with his sisters in the bathtub last night. He is *wary* at best. Veronica, as you can see, if having the TIME of her LIFE! Anthony seems to have kind of a soft spot for Veronica. Today I was holding her and kissing her belly and she was laughing, adorably, and Anthony actually looked over at her. Big excitement!

He had a hard day today, a terrible awful tantrum last night right before I went out, and just ... not a great weekend. I was so MAD today, he was flipping out and Mike was at the store with Maria and Veronica was upstairs and I was downstairs with Anthony. I was doing joint compressions on him, his ankles and I was trying to do them really hard, so that he could feel them through the tantrum. I started to PUSH against his ankle like I was PUSHING against this stupid autism that is kicking our collective ass here lately and it really felt better. I thought, there has to be a way to make him feel better, he can't tantrum like this for FORTY minutes! You should see the way he FLOPS his body into the floor! He has bruises on his back! So. I was getting a little mad about it and I tried to hold him, like cradle him like a baby and then DROP! him. This involves me holding a 55 pound person and then doing a fast, deep knee bend. He loves it, of course. "Drop!" he says. Actually, he tries to get away with saying "Drum!" because he can be kind of a lazy S.O.B., but I make him say "Drop!" and then I do these deep knee bends. Oh, he started to laugh and relax and my legs were burning, ON FIRE, but I did not care. I would have done them all day. I know it's such a relief to him when he is let go from the tantrum and it is to us, too.

Tonight in Church the gospel was about the "Stay awake!", thing, because you'll neither know the hour nor the day. I thought, I'm awake. Don't you worry. I'm always awake. :)