I was trying to make him laugh

He did, eventually. See his little fire badge sticker? So cute.

Cute

Isn't he so cute? Lord only knows what his dear sister is complaining about here. He had a good week at school, he really enjoys the trips they go on and today they had the fire department come to their school. His therapist said he really liked the truck, sitting in it, looking at the uniforms, etc. She said he liked the truck so much, he didn't want to give anyone else a turn! Ha, I bet!

Does this look like a grad picture to anyone else?  It's not.  We went for a walk today after Anthony had kind of a big meltdown.  He hates Sundays, and so do I.  I am hopeful that he will continue to feel better and do better in school and love us more.  Ha, kidding.  We had a nice weekend - yesterday we went to the park early in the morning, before it got too hot, but it was too late for Anthony.  He just wanted to sit in the dirt, so we left after a short while and went out to lunch, which was verrrry successful, especially for us.  Anthony was the best of the three!  Today we all went to Costco and he was very good, it's just when he's here and not busy that he seems to really get tense.  It's hard, it's painful, and we hope it gets better.  I don't want to end on a downer, but I am trying to think of something good to say. 

Have I mentioned his therapist Amy?  She is fantastic, she loves him so, and she is the one that is going to do his home therapy.  She came here on Friday and we are going to continue on Fridays now.  Sometimes we'll be here and maybe sometimes we'll meet at the Zoo, or the Museum, or the park.  I was telling her the other day that she might be sorry and she said, kind of scolding me, "I love him!  There is nothing that he could do that would make me not love him!".  Jeez, I was glad I was wearing my sunglasses, because that kind of proclamation made me cry and cry.  I mean, I think Anthony is lucky to have his two parents and family feel that way about him but to have this therapist feel that way about him, she who spends so much time with him and knows how to get in at him... well.  We are lucky indeed. 

Bowler

Anthony went bowling today! So many firsts this summer. I told Laura he went bowling and he did well and she said "what did he bowl?" Ha, I told her, they don't keep score, it's kids' bowling. But his therapist Amy said he put on his bowling shoes and bowled away, so that's good enough for me. She is the joy of my life right now, this Amy. She loves him so much and she is so, so nice and sweet to me. She is going to be doing his home therapy on Friday afternoons and I'm so happy about it. We are really happy with his therapist lineup right now, I can only hope it stays this way for a while.

Weekend

Our weekends can be kind of rough. Anthony fell asleep early last night, so Mike and I were worried but he slept all night. He had a dirty diaper in the night, though, and so he was red and a mess when we went in, so it started the day kind of badly. I put him to bed last night, though, and he was fun as hell. I went back in because he was yelling, and I brought him a glass of water. He was putting the glass up to his nose and looking through it and we had a heck of a good time, looking at each other through the glass. I love it when we can figure out a way for him to be happy and feel like we are connecting.

We are trying to get his speech therapy figured out. He has seen the same speech therapist for ONE YEAR and I had to beg for a progress report, and even then it took six weeks. The director of the place is the one who delayed the report for so long, and she always wants to talk on the phone instead of communicate via email. It's really hard for me to talk on the phone in any organized way because I'm always with some kid who's screaming in my ear, so I prefer to email. I find it unacceptable that in the year TWO THOUSAND and TEN someone can't conduct business via email. So I am hoping to quit her and start with a new speech therapist as soon as the full time one starts at Anthony's school. BUT I am still going to have to work with her because the occupational therapist that we want Anthony to work with is employed by her. It's a big pain and I'm trying to get it worked out as well as I can, doing the best for Anthony but also not being bossed around by nimrods who won't communicate with us. Honestly, I felt like saying to this woman - I thought ANTHONY was the one with the communication disorder, not you! Jerkstore.

Anyways, back to Anthony. He had an excellent week at school, he has more trips coming up this week, and we are hopeful that he'll continue to feel better and have less tantrums. It's boring, but true.

Temple Grandin at TED

Here's Temple Grandin talking about why the world needs people with autism.  She is really amazing, I just can't get over how lucky we are that she is a writer and speaker.  I really feel like she gives me some kind of window into Anthony - I know all people are different, but I'll talk what information I can get.  I hope what she is NOT saying here is that people with autism who SPEAK are needed, but I think she might be.  I hope and pray that Anthony can talk someday.  This morning he walked by Maria, who was lying on the floor under a beach towel, and said "blanket".  Maria said "Good job, Anthony!".  She is well-trained!  Anyways.  I am hopeful that Anthony can talk someday and if he can't, if he's not meant to, or whatever, then I hope that we can find a way to get him to communicate with us (and the world) in some other way.  I hope I hope I hope.

Big Week

Anthony went to the bouncehouse on Monday and today he was off to the splash park. He is still as tantrum-y as ever, BUT he is sleeping... well, I'm not going to say how he's sleeping, I just refuse to think about it. We did get him some new feety pajamas, they fit a lot better than his other ones. They are sweet looking, one has horses on them and one has cats. It beats the hell out of wrestling him into those too-small Gap ones every night. His hair looks nice, right?

Viva Spain!

Mike bought that outfit for Anthony years ago and it just keeps fitting. It makes me realize how big it used to be on him. Poor, poor Anthony woke up at 1:00 this morning and just went to sleep at 7:00. We are praying and praying that he sleeps all night. He is starting back to school tomorrow and we are all excited! He has some trips scheduled this summer, tomorrow he is going to a bounce place, they are going to the zoo, a splash park, etc.

We are also going to start him back in occupational therapy at his school soon. He got OT at his public school during the school year, so I think maybe he should start up again, maybe it would lessen his tantrums? Here's hoping, anyway.

I watched the Temple Grandin movie on HBO and it was so, so good. I cried and cried. Claire Danes was *amazing* as Temple Grandin, and the story was just so well told - it is hard to be in the mind of an autistic person, especially one like Temple Grandin, who sees 'in pictures', as she puts it, but whoever made the movie really, REALLY got it all across. It makes me so worried and hopeful for Anthony, at the same time.

There is a scene where Temple Grandin is graduating from college and she makes a speech about how she couldn't have gotten through without her mother and her family and friends. She then sings from the musical Carousel, the song "You'll Never Walk Alone". She is NOT a great singer, but it is a super poignant moment. I think Carousel is a horrible musical with a terrible message, BUT the song is beautiful and of course that scene made me cry and cry. The lyrics go:

When you walk through a storm,
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

So Waaaaah! I cried, all through the movie. But it's true! I think Anthony can do anything, and I think we can help him do anything. I have hope in my heart. MOST of the time. :)

Post Zoo

We had a good time at the Zoo this morning. Anthony is such a leaner and a rubber, though! He was leaning up against some woman, when we were looking at the seals, just rubbing her leg with the back of his hand. We all laughed and said he'd be a real ladies' man. Ha! We saw some kid in a shirt that said "I'm autistic, what's your excuse?" I don't really like the term "autistic" for Anthony, I prefer to say that he has Autism, but it was a really cute shirt and a good idea to wear it to the Zoo. We went to the water/splash park at the zoo and Anthony had a really good time, I think! He got completely soaked and seemed to enjoy running around in the various splashers. He didn't look at any animals, really,except the fish and penguins. He's a water guy. All in all, it was a short but successful trip.

Heartbreaker

He breaks my heart into a million pieces, it feels like.

Vacation

We are on day three of Anthony's vacation from school and it's HELL on EARTH.  Ha, just kidding, but it's not great.  We have these ideas of doing all this stuff with him and keeping him busy but he is not fooled, he is not in school, Maria will NOT leave him alone, and he's had it.  He was up at 12:19 a.m., woke up screaming and crying, just FURIOUS.  He calmed down after a while, I rubbed his hands like the little Asian ladies do during a manicure and he seemed to really like it.  I run out of ideas and then I think what would calm me down?  When he is having a tantrum lately, he works his hands a lot and I thought maybe they were tense.  So I rubbed from the palm of his hands, out toward his fingers, and he seemed to like it.  Or maybe it was a coincidence, who the hell knows.  I left him after about 20 minutes and about 30 minutes after that, he was screaming again.  Mike went in with him and then neither of us went in again, but he was up until about 5:00.  5:00!  He slept from 7:30 til 12:19 and then was up until 5:00.  I wish, in a way, that I could sleep like that, since ... well, since I have to sleep like that.  The girls were up at 6:00 and Mike was up with Maria at 3:30 and 5:00, so we are tired.  I woke Anthony up at 9:30 because his speech therapist was coming at 10:00 and he is in there with her now, and it sounds like it's going well. 

So.  We'll go with that, he's having a good time at speech therapy and once that's over, we'll try and do something else with him.  And we will all look forward to next Monday! 

Here's a picture from one year ago.  Sigh. 

Happy Fourth of July!

It would be a lot happier if someone wasn't melting down into tantrums all day. Ooh, he is in a mood! He woke up on the floor, of course, and was mad about it and he has been mad almost the whole day since. Grinding his teeth, crying, throwing himself around. It's very exhausting.

Better

Here's a better picture of him than the one that's up there!  Anthony has been a little puny the last few mornings and has had some (not to give TMI) some d-ha, but he seems great tonight.  He ate all his dinner and we have been playing chase and everything has been good.  I'm hopeful that he's getting better, whatever it's been.  He could just have a little bug or feel a little off, but it's not like he'd say.  He'll never even sign 'sick' or 'hurt' or anything.  Anyways, here he is, so happy and sweet. 

Well.

I guess this shows his haircut and it also shows how he was a large part of the day yesterday. So here he is, warts and all. Look at his furrowed brow! It breaks my heart when he is like this. Today he had a great day, he went to the movies! He saw Toy Story 3! His PM therapist told me that she sat behind him and that he sat for ONE hour and then got a little fussy poo, then went to the lobby for a while and then came back for the rest of it! I can't stop with the exclamation points! He didn't have one single solitary meltdown today and he ate the *heck* out of his macaroni and cheese tonight. It was a *HOT MESS* in here, cheese hands everywhere, but he was happy. He started with his fork and then went to his fingers and we just thought the hell with it.

I don't even know if I should leave this picture up, it's making me sad to look at it. But it does show his haircut and maybe some day I'll look back and be like, that's right! He DID used to have tantrums, but I can't really remember them! A mom can dream, right?

Haircuts and Imagination

We cut Anthony's hair today, it went as well as it's ever gone, I guess. It's so hard because instead of getting really mad now when we cut his hair, he gets super, super sad. I would rather have him mad at me than think that I am causing him to be so sad. BUT it only took like six minutes, and there was such a pile of hair on the floor when we were done it's hard to not think it must feel better for him.

I was reading a review of Toy Story 3 in Entertainment Weekly and this line stuck out at me:

That spirit of imagination hasn’t gone out of our world — it’s there every time a child picks up an inanimate object of fun and sees, feels, experiences the hidden life in it.

I got super sad, myself, reading it. Maria will play with her tea set ("tease", she calls it) and pretend to glug tea into the cup, we say "cheers!" and pretend to drink tea, she has endless imagination. Even Veronica pretends to talk on the phone. But Anthony just - doesn't. He is much more likely to smack himself lightly on the face with the teacup than ever pretend to drink tea from it. I guess he has no spirit of imagination? No imagination at all?

I wonder if it's in there, at all. He used to pretend to talk on the phone when he was little, can we get it back? Do we want to? I have no idea what the answers are, here, but it makes me sad when I read something that assumes that all kids have this wonderful life, imagining and playing and whooping it up and there Anthony is, whacking the side of his head with a ruler and calling it a good time.

Weighted Blanket

Anthony sleeps under a weighted blanket and I thought I'd write about it, just in case anyone was every looking for advice on it. I've had several friends ask me about it and it's hard to know what to buy when you are first looking.

We bought Anthony's blanket at Cozy Calm. It's super nice and it weighs 12 pounds and fits his twin bed. I think it cost around $50 and the shipping was free. Since he uses it every night of his life, it seems like a good deal to me. We used to have a five pound one, it was for a toddler bed or crib. You can get all sorts of colors and prints. I brought his little one into school, so he could hold it on his lap if he wanted.

He has to have a weighted blanket to sleep because he has Sensory Processing Disorder. I really think that his sensory issues are so profound that he would have them even without having Autism. He requires a LOT of sensory input to just be at an even keel. Actually, I don't know if this is true for Anthony ALL the time now, but it used to be. I imagine as he grows up and develops, his sensory needs will change, but we're not sure. He does like his blanket and he really sleeps better since he's gotten it.

He has been going nuts lately at night, opening one drawer in his dresser and throwing everything out of it. Sometimes it looks like a BOMB hit his room in the morning and there is NOTHING in there. Because we've had Veronica in our walk in closet, Mike had a lot of his clothes in Anthony's closet. There are no doors, because as long time readers of this blog might remember, Anthony tore them off years ago. So he'll run along at night, snapping the long-sleeved shirts off the hangers. BOY he is a pain, right? Who does that? Now the girls are in their room together, though, so I should just put Mike's clothes back in the closet and be done with it.

His sensory issues are why he is grinding his teeth, too. He grinds them if he's sad or tense, and he grinds them when he's happy, too. It's awful - it makes me feel just terrible that he does it and there's nothing we can do to stop him. I'm hoping that like a lot of things, it will just fade away. I hope he still has teeth by then!

Dude

 
Doesn't he look super cool here, and also about fifteen years old? Oh, this child and these tantrums! They are killing us. It's better than it was, but man. They come out of NOWHERE. Tonight he was looking out the window and BLAM! he got super mad and sad, all at once. He woke up bad this morning, really tense and just like a fist. Maria always says, as soon as he starts, "Anthony doesn't feel good?" and it could break your heart. He and Maria are both taking off their diapers and it's maddening. He is doing great in school, and his break is coming up, so maybe we'll have some fun then? I hope?

Blurry

 
But honestly, I never, EVER catch them near one another, so it was this or nothing. I did order a new camera - it's actually a Nikon D3000, because they don't make the D40 anymore. Not to get too technical, ha! Anyways, Anthony has been sick yesterday and today and it is a complete DRAG. I cut my fingers yesterday on a glass, while doing dishes, and I have had to wash my hands approximately 10,000 times today, which stings like hell! ANYWAY. Anthony woke up super, super sick today - he had vomited up everything he, and I guess lots of other people ate yesterday. It was so, so gross - Mike had to rinse him off in the tub before he could fill it - he was covered. Then he threw up again, and then he seemed to get better. He's been eating well today and seems to feel okay, so I'm hopeful that it was just a little bug. There is nothing sadder than a sick Anthony, I'll tell you that.

Wedding

So my friend Hannah posted about her wedding for this Blog Hop, and I have been thinking about our wedding a lot lately, as our sixth anniversary is coming up, so I figured I'd do it. It's not technically about Anthony, sure, but he was there (as a gleam in his father's eye) and besides - this blog is about him but I do all the typing, so what the heck?


I feel like Sophia in The Golden Girls - Picture it! July 31, 2004!

I am choosing this picture because it shows my flowers well (they were red roses) but also because I was annoyed with the photographer and I think it shows, here. It was hot and I was kind of over him and his goofy photo assignments. Anyways. We did pictures at the Canal, which I have always loved and where Mike and I took a lot of walks, back when we weren't with anyone who might jump in at a minute's notice. :) I loved my dress - I found it for $700 at a store in Indianapolis, and I told my sister the designer and model number and she found it at the now-defunct bridesave.com for $189, plus $10 shipping. Crazy, right? It was really beautiful. I should have had it altered, just a little - it was a little long and a skoshe big in the shoulders, which actually must mean it was originally designed for a football player, ha!

This is the back of my niece, Moira, and my nephews, Parker and Aidan.  It is so crazy to me that this is just six years ago, they look like little kids here and now they are not.  Parker is 18!  We had our nieces and nephews as our wedding party, which I really loved. We also had our nephew Jared and our niece Hillary, but I can't find a picture of all five. Blogger is being *very* strange about my pictures, I can't edit some of them, which is super annoying. But anyway, they were little kids then too and now are practically full grown adults.

This is our church.  We live right near it and it's especially important to us because Mike was baptized and made four other sacraments here in the months before we got married.  It's a beautiful church and we were so happy to be married here.  We got married at 6:30 in the evening and had the reception immediately following.  We did all the pictures before, which I would totally do again.  Mike and I walked out the door of the church and into the limo to go to the reception.  Mike had secretly gotten a bottle of Dom and we drank that - we were so close to the reception that we had to have the driver go around the block again so we could finish the champagne!  Our reception was at the Athletic Club - it was a great place to have a party, but it closed the October after we got married.  I can't even say what I would have done had they up and closed before our wedding reception, I'm just glad it didn't happen.

Here we are, in the church, at the Virgin Mary statue.  When I used to go to weddings and they would do the prayers to the Virgin Mary, I have to be honest - I would think "BORING!", but I'm glad we did it.  We just had the organist play the Ave Maria, instead of having someone sing it.  Or worse yet, sing something like "Hail Mary, Gentle Woman", which makes me want to vomit.  Speaking of vomit, I swear I almost got sick right when I was having my hair done the morning of the wedding.  I had gone for a nice walk with my friend Diana, who was in town from LA for the wedding.  I had made all the flowers, everything was FINE, but I started FLIPPING OUT at the hairdresser.  I called Mike and cried about it and then Laura and I went to the hotel and poof! I was better.  It was the most nervous I was all day and I guess I just had to get it out of my system?  Maybe? 

We took dance lessons, which I also recommend.  It was such a fun thing to do, and it was our fun Thursday thing, where we didn't have to think too much about the wedding, just the fun of it.  We danced a rumba to "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke.  When we started dancing and it was obvious we were really dancing, people started hooting and hollering - I remember being so surprised, it never occurred to me that it would look good!  Ha! 

We had the best time, although it's true - I really can hardly remember any of it.  I remember that when we got back to the hotel and I took off my stockings, they were ripped up like a dog had been chewing on them, on the feet.  I guess that's a sign of a good time!  My family all came in from NJ and it was - well, obviously it was special that they all came in, but it was also just like old times.

And this was funny - my friend Angie (who didn't come to my wedding and I always remember how old her son Sam is because he was born either right before or right after we got married) told me to look at everyone going up the aisle.  She said to really look at everyone, because they would be smiling at me in a way that I had never seen.  I thought it sounded like a good idea, so my Dad and I walked in the church and I took a deep breath, and smiled at the first people I saw, my cousins Patti and Kim.  And it's true, they were smiling at me in a way I had never seen ANYBODY look at me.  It was WAAAAAY too much for me, though, and I started to cry and I thought HOO BOY this is going to be bad if I keep doing this, I JUST got here!  So I didn't look at anybody else. 

All in all, I recommend marriage.  I feel very lucky to be married to Anthony's father - I mean, really beyond lucky, I feel like God himself made Mike for me, for us.  But on July 31, 2005, I had NO idea what we were in for! 

Anthony's Birthday Card

Here's Anthony's card, that he got in school. He is a lucky boy to be so well liked and loved by all the therapists and people there. It's hard to believe that he turned five, right? I can barely remember bringing him home from the hospital, it seems like such a long time ago, but it doesn't seem like he could be five, either.

It's hard for me to say how Anthony is at five years old. He is always the same, to me. When he's happy, he's so happy and you can't help but love him so much and then when he's sad or mad, he's *really* sad or mad, and you can't help but love him so much then, too. I'd say at five years old, Anthony likes: school, Mommy and Daddy, playing outside, finding new things to hold up near his face, the bath, eating hot dogs, french fries, fruit, and cheese. He drinks only water, and very occassionally juice (Crystal Light), and usually out of the pitcher. He likes grapes and blueberries a lot! He is good about getting his teeth brushed, I always tell him let's try and brush his teeth well so that we NEVER have to have teeth filled like we did a few months ago. I guess I could say at five years old Anthony DISLIKES the dentist. He doesn't like going to sleep. He doesn't like being told what to do. He says a lot of words, but he doesn't say them at home nearly as much as he does in school. Sometimes he gets very sad, seemingly out of nowhere, but we're working on it. Maria and Veronica both love him a lot and want to be with him all the time, and of course he doesn't love that. He is incredibly patient with Maria, who takes every opportunity there is to jump on him or pull on him, or move him around.

What can I say about him? I love him so much? I'd do anything for him? He's my favorite boy, he's my favorite PERSON, and I really, truly admire him. I used to think when people said that they respected their kids or whatever, that they were full of it. But I really do respect Anthony, he makes me want to be good and kind and sweet to him, and in turn to his sisters, and in TURN, to other people. I am largely a misanthrope, so that's a big change for me! Also, just because I WANT to be nice to everyone doesn't mean I am, yet. But I am working on it. We are all working hard to make Anthony's world better for him. I don't even care what that better world looks like - I don't care if he talks or doesn't, or goes to regular school or doesn't, I don't care! I just want him to be happy and feel good about his life. So far, so good.